LAUGH LINES

Deficit Disorder: “[George W. Bush] said he will debate Al Gore when people are paying attention. Good luck. Don’t hold your breath. And considering how much Bush knows about world affairs, he’s better off debating Gore when nobody is paying attention.” (Jay Leno)

Control Freak: “The National Rifle Assn. said today Bill Clinton is a man who wants to control every citizen in the United States. Oh come on, Clinton can’t even control himself.” (Leno)

Slipped Disc: “Film critic Rex Reed pleaded not guilty to shoplifting charges in New York. He is accused of lifting a few CDs from a record store. One way or another, he’s walking away with a record.” (Daily Scoop)

Just Another Statistic: “New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said Tuesday the crime rate in New York is down 50% since he took office. Hillary Clinton can match that. The crime rate in the White House is down 50% since she moved to New York.” (Argus Hamilton)

Hell on Wheels: “A Florida man was recently accused of running a dentistry practice out of the back of his Ford Mustang. And you thought you had a bad HMO.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Pork Rinds: “The Brits, having just cloned pigs, are considering conducting human trials. Meanwhile, in Washington, they’re considering using politicians to clone a pig.” (Stan Kaplan)

The Truth Hurts: “Referring to his run for the presidency, Al Gore cheerfully said, ‘You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.’ That’s the problem. So far, all we’ve seen is nothin’.” (Gary Greenfield)

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