LAUGH LINES

To Die For: “Everybody celebrates St. Patrick’s Day in a different way. Like in New York, of course, the big parade; Chicago, they dye the river green; and, in Texas, they executed a leprechaun.” (Jay Leno)

Of All Things: “Hillary Clinton marched in [New York’s St. Patrick’s Day] parade, and spectators . . . accused her of pandering to voters, trying to get the vote out. And folks, I’ve got to say that they might be right. Because Hillary was wearing a button that said ‘Kiss Me, I’m Irish--Oh, I’m Also Jewish, Black, Puerto Rican and a Huge Yankee Fan.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

For Good Measure: “Energy Secretary Bill Richardson said gasoline prices will remain high. Still, our vehicles get bigger and bigger. This fall, Ford introduces an SUV that’s so luxurious, the cup-holder is an Englishman named Reginald.” (Argus Hamilton)

Working Ethics: “President Clinton wants to delay an investigation of his ethics until he leaves office. Why not? He put his ethics aside for the past seven years, so he figures one more year won’t hurt.” (Gary Greenfield)

Off Their Chests: “A study recently published in Germany seems to indicate that admiring large-breasted women can add years to a man’s life. Of course, that’s as long as their wives don’t catch them.” (Ira Lawson)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.