LAUGH LINES

Teed Off: “There are reports . . . that Bill Clinton is having a tough time finding a golf course that will accept him. O.J. can play wherever he wants--Clinton can’t get in. That is when you know something is basically wrong.” (Jay Leno)

Infanticipating: Madonna is pregnant again. “Let’s just break this down--Madonna had her first baby with her personal trainer. This one, the new baby, is with a director. And she said she plans to have her third baby with something called a husband.” (Craig Kilborn)

*

The Essential

David Letterman

Top Ways to Tick Off

Alex Trebek

10. Rig your buzzer so it gives him a painful high-voltage shock.

9. Insist religion prohibits you from phrasing answer in form of question.

7. Tell him he should have retired 10 years ago.

6. Hide in his bedroom, ready to “play the home game.”

5. Ask why “know-it-all Canadians with fruity mustaches” is never a category.

4. During “Daily Double,” you wager a “cajillion” dollars.

3. Answer every question: “Who is George Peppard?”

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.