LAUGH LINES

A Real Gas: Thirty seconds of commercial time during the Oscar telecast is going for $1.3 million. “That works out to more than $40,000 per second, or about what it costs to fill up your tank.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Whodunit: “The stolen Oscars have been recovered. . . . Who would steal a bunch of Oscars? I guess police had only two suspects: Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme.” (Jay Leno)

*

The Essential

David Letterman

Top Signs Madonna

Is Settling Down

10. Says “please” and “thank you” during sex with nameless strangers.

9. Baby-proofed cabinets using her old handcuffs.

6. When asked, “Who’s the father?” actually has a few good leads.

5. Donated bedroom “Take a Number” machine to local bakery.

4. Now uses her metal bra as quaint country wind chime.

3. Instead of sleeping with entire NBA, now only sleeps with Eastern Conference.

2. No longer qualifies for quantity discount on batteries at Radio Shack.

1. When shopping for new see-through outfits, uses coupons.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.