Beep This: Here’s How We Can Curb Cell Chatter in Theaters

Much has been made in recent years of cell phones and beepers going off during concerts, plays and other live performances. The age of Me-ism has joined with the eras of Interactivity and Multitasking, resulting in a cacophony of boops and beeps and chatter that ruins the enjoyment for thousands, as well as making the performance itself more daunting for the musicians, actors and singers.

I fear there is little hope of going back to quieter times and voluntary compliance with the rules of civility. So instead, I offer a few alternatives:

Cellular Rooms: Much as many churches have “crying rooms” so noisy infants can holler without disturbing the rest of the congregation, the same should work for those who must be attached to their electronic umbilical.

Cellular Detectors: Metal detectors work at airports. Detectors are already used at rock concerts, and I once saw a roller rink with a metal detector. (Effective too: Since its installation, not a single roller rink has been hijacked to Cuba.)

Telephonic Harmony Ushers Guaranteeing Security, or THUGS: Station a crew of THUGS in the audience. When a cellular phone or beeper goes off, the THUGS politely and unobtrusively fling the offending lout from the concert hall for a complimentary thrashing outside.

Play Louder: There’s a new invention. It’s called electricity. Use it. Stick some pickups into those fiddles and crank it up to 11. People won’t even hear their cellular phones going off.

Individual Laser Identification Device, or I-Lid: For those who feel they must be contacted, adapt the laser hearing system to send a blinding microbeam of laser light at the eyelids of the patron without disturbing others.

More Rock, Less Rach: Replace Rachmaninoff with Rage Against the Machine. It’s about time these opera snobs were brought into the 21st century.

Peer Pressure: Sometimes the most effective means of maintaining control is getting peers to apply subtle pressure on the insensitive patron. Try putting buggy whips under the seats and let the fun begin.

Rewrite the Show: Get with the times. An electronic interruption might well add a needed comic touch if it occurs while Hamlet knocks out his revamped soliloquy: “To beep or not to beep, that is the question.”