LAUGH LINES

New Beginnings: “Vladimir Putin was sworn in as president of Russia at a Kremlin ceremony. It’s the first peaceful transfer of power in Russian history--if you don’t count the time Josef Stalin died in his sleep.” (Argus Hamilton)

Crime and Punishment: “On ‘20/20,’ Kathie Lee Gifford admitted after her husband’s affair, she wanted to kill him. However, she decided allowing him to live--with her--was better punishment.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Looking Good: “According to recent statistics, America’s unemployment rate is at its lowest point in 30 years, which President Clinton calls ‘great news.’ That’s because if it keeps up, even he should be able to find a job next January.” (Ira Lawson)

Deja Vu: There are pictures of New York’s Rudy Giuliani “out on the town with a woman who is not his wife. Running against a Clinton, now he is a Clinton! . . . And out of force of habit, Hillary forgave him.” (Jay Leno)

Wining ‘n’ Dining: “A new study shows that kids who eat dinner five nights a week are more likely to use alcohol responsibly. That’s true because when I was little, my parents always said: ‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you can’t have any Jack Daniels.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.