A Mother’s Prerogative: Old-Fashioned Birthday Parties

It’s Mother’s Day, which I hope means half the parents today are reading from the comfort of their unmade bed, with an appetizing side of burnt toast, lukewarm coffee and eggs over not so easy. I try and sometimes fail to remember that no matter what my children offer me today, it’s the thought that counts.

I use Mother’s Day as sort of a personal “State of the Union” to reflect on our family life, congratulate myself for what’s worked in our household, and to reevaluate things. In some ways, it’s the chance to make a New Year’s resolution all over again.

This year, I’m on a mission to simplify my life. This can be a daunting task, because managing three children under the age of 6 is probably the least simple job in the world. It includes the trips to the pediatrician, doing the laundry and dealing with the grape juice spilled on a just-cleaned carpet. Sometimes, just getting everyone bathed, fed and in bed at a decent hour can require Herculean strength and the management capabilities of a Fortune 500 company.

I know I’m not alone in my strife. Look at any typical family in Orange County; the dilemma is quite similar. Ask any parent the innocent question “So, how’s it going?” and invariably the answer is “Busy!”

In some ways, we’re our own worst enemies. The best example is the dreaded child’s birthday. While I fully appreciate my children being included, the standard of entertaining it has created is making it tough on moms like me who want to keep life simple.

The ordeal begins at the mailbox. The weighty envelope is lined with foil and comes addressed to my child on a computer-printed label. Inside is an impressive, expensive, custom-made invitation, announcing the grand event’s date, time and of course, Nickelodeon iconic theme. “Come help us celebrate Junior turning 4!” is in bold, with the same pomp and circumstance as a debutante ball.

Try as I might to just drop my child off for an afternoon of playing with his favorite friends, I’m now obligated to stay for the length of the party, the guest list of which is never under 30. Once I took my daughter to a birthday where it took us half an hour just to work the receiving line from the front door to the backyard. Leaving her there alone would have been a disaster.

Rather than just gathering the kids for a cake, some games and a balloon toss, today’s birthday party is a professional event, complete with catered food, live music and a take-home video for each designer party bag. And all because someone’s one year older?

Not only does this set an impossible standard for parents, but we’re setting children up to believe that they’re entitled to everything for doing nothing. It’s one thing to pop the champagne when someone comes home with all A’s, is named valedictorian or gets into Harvard. There are also once-in-a-lifetime milestones that merit hoopla--a first communion, a bar mitzvah, high school graduation.

But if each and every year we make a big deal over a date on the calendar, what are we teaching our children? And if this overboard, you’re-king-of-the-world caliber of party planning is what we do when they’re little, what will they expect when they turn 12?

I’m not saying that making children feel special on their birthdays is a bad idea, but why not tone things down a little? What’s wrong with just cupcakes at the park? Hot dogs by the pool? A slice of pizza and a matinee?

OK, I’ll admit it. When our first child turned 1, I went absolutely berserk making the party special. I invited no fewer than 50 people. I made gourmet sandwiches. I even flew in my immediate family from out of town to help. In the end, I was tired, nervous, miserable. Was that really the best thing for my daughter? Probably not.

I encourage parents to do something for themselves on their child’s birthday. After all, it does mark one more year you’ve given, supported, guided and loved that special little person in your life. Treat yourself to that one thing you’ve seen at the mall, catch up on a good book, or simply reflect back on the day your child was born, and those precious first moments of life.

A child’s birthday can be filled with fun and remind us of our own childhood, as long as we keep things in perspective and don’t turn gray prematurely in an effort to have a good time. The wise English novelist, Samuel Butler, summed it up quite nicely: “Self-preservation is the first law of nature.”