New Ratings Give Real Meaning to G (Gross)

When a film like Disney’s new “Dinosaur” is rated PG instead of G, that alone suggests the movie rating system needs fixing. Further, when not one of the movies playing on the more than 400 Edwards Cinemas screens listed in The Times is rated G, the need for a change is even more obvious.

Let’s face it. G is not being used.

Perhaps movie studios don’t want a G rating because they rely on the adult audience even for a so-called children’s film. In his May 22 article, “Dinosaur Gets a Colossal Jump,” Richard Natale wrote that the $10.8-million Friday opening-night box office for “Dinosaur” came “mostly from adults.” A G--with an aura of being just for kids--might turn adults off.

So the evidence is all around us: The G movie, meaning for “General Audience,” is dead.

What to do? Let’s put that G to better use. Make it “G, for Gross.” There are plenty of gross movies out today. Natale refers to the “bad-taste audience” as a significant factor in box-office receipts for certain films.

But beyond the obvious need to revive G for use, we need a whole new letter system for movie ratings based on specific content, not generic categories, to clarify the nature of movies out there. Consider these groupings:

A = Animated. Celebrity voices and computer-generated animals and characters.

C = Classic. Shakespeare re-do’s. Kenneth Branagh is probably in it somewhere.

F = Foreign. If you like sub-titles, you’ll love these. You may learn some French.

H = Horror. A long-finger-nailed, masked guy slashes girls--but all in good fun!

K = Kid Movie. The harshest word in it is “darn.” Only the animals are nude.

M = Mystery. To exercise your “little gray cells” when you’re out of ginkgo biloba.

O = Old Guy Movie. Anything with Peter Falk, Robert Redford or Paul Newman.

R = Romance. Usually starring Kristin Scott Thomas or Gwyneth Paltrow.

SF = SciFi. Spaceships. Tight space togs. Alien encounters of the worst kind.

S = Suspense. Anything starring Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford or Arnold.

T = Teenager Movie. A “getaway” movie with wild teens. Exciting times. Cool.

And, of course . . .

G = Gross. Gritty bathroom and bedroom “humor.” Cameron Diaz a plus.

Utilizing this system, guys will be able to ask their dates: “Honey, you want to see a G or H tonight? You know--’gross’ or ‘horror’? Or an R? You’ve seen all the S’s with me. You pick a letter.”

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Sam McCarver writes mysteries and is a movie buff from way back--with a PG-13 sense of humor.