LAUGH LINES

With Open Arms: “President Clinton . . . was given a surprisingly warm welcome when he arrived in [Vietnam recently]. Of course, compared to the welcomes he gets from Hillary lately, even a welcome from Saddam Hussein would be considered ‘warm.’ ” (Ira Lawson)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Things the Founding Fathers Would Say if They Were Alive Today

10. “Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They’re still using it!”

9. “Maybe that ruthless monarchy thing in England wasn’t such a bad idea after all. . . .”

8. “Good to see Florida is still using the same old voting machines.”

7. “That’s odd--in my day, we also had a senator named Strom Thurmond.”

6. “So that’s the Washington Monument? Yeah, in his dreams.”

5. “Giuliani has really wrecked Times Square.”

2. “He did what in the Oval Office?”

1. “Screw this, we’re going to Canada.”

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