Olympics Can’t Hold Candle to Games People Play

Tolerance!

Sportsmanship!

Harmony among all peoples!

And you can compete even if you don’t have killer abs!

That’s what the Local Olympics is all about.

Here are my proposals for events that Ventura County residents can enjoy while the nations of the world are busy engaging in global understanding and savage badminton. If you like them, you might even send the International Olympic Organizing Committee a letter asking that these events be featured at Athens in 2004. (P.S.: To ensure prompt consideration, you might enclose a check for, say, $25 million. Just an idea.)

The Local Olympics would include:

* THE APE TOSS: Just like it sounds. With evolution suddenly and incredibly a hot topic in Ventura County, competitors would grasp an actual ape by the hand--or paw, or whatever--and loft it out a classroom window. The player with the best arm chooses whether science teachers in Ventura County will:

a) Give equal time to evolution and the Bible.

b) Mention evolution, but only with a roll of the eyes.

c) Mention evolution, but only while wearing a wizard’s cap.

d) Mention evolution, but also point out that the letters are an anagram for “U.N.-Too Evil!”

If the athletes are tossed by the ape, then the ape gets to choose. May the best man-like creature win.

* THE SUBURBAN DEATH-WISH SLALOM: This exciting challenge tests competitors on their courage, skill, ability to steer with their knees and ignorance of major news events regarding their health.

Athletes will be required to:

a) Cradle cell phone between shoulder and left ear while trading jokes with stockbroker.

b) Use left hand to manipulate Palm Pilot while making note to fire stockbroker.

c) Use right hand to grip new, bigger, more-saturated-fat-than-ever triple-bacon cheeseburger.

d) Navigate the new Matterhorn-steep stretch of Borchard Road in Thousand Oaks . . .

e) . . . in a Ford Explorer, with original Firestone tires.

First one down wins. NOTE: At registration, specify next-of-kin’s T-shirt size.

* THE JOUST FOR HEALTH: Life was less complicated in medieval times, when public-interest issues were settled by knocking your foe off his horse. So too can the bitter fight over the county’s $260-million tobacco suit settlement be ended forever in the Local Olympics’ Joust for Health.

Equestrians from county government and Community Memorial Hospital must not only unseat each other, but also snag one of three large burlap bags hanging from a scaffold.

The bags hold:

a) $260 million in cash, or . . .

b) $260 million in vaccines and medications for the medically indigent, or . . .

c) A medical indigent, who must be given $260 million.

Numerous volunteers are anticipated for this event.

* THE IRON-FAMILY SALES MARATHON: At last--a gold medal for the families that promote school excellence through obsessive sales of peanut brittle, wrapping paper, greeting cards, jog-a-thon pledges, etc.

Competitors must stay awake three days and nights, allowing no more than five minutes between sales contacts with relatives, friends, neighbors, business associates, strangers on the Internet, passing motorists, old college roommates, high school sweethearts and Marine divisions. Top-dollar family gets the gold--plus a social promotion for the child of their choice.

It’s an event for the entire family!

WARNING: Children involved in premature sales lose their cuteness in a hurry. Consult your family physician.

* HOW HIGH WILL THEY GO?: The traditional competition among local real estate agents.

* HOW LOW WILL THEY GO?: An election is coming up . . .

* Steve Chawkins can be reached at 653-7561 or at steve.chawkins@latimes.com