Monkeying Around With Sequel Ideas

Tim Burton’s “Planet of the Apes” set a box office record as the biggest non-holiday movie opening ever. Considering the 1968 version spawned four sequels, a television show and plenty of merchandising schemes, there’s no telling what the latest band of apes might loose upon the world. But since nature abhors a hit movie with no sequel, here’s what we anticipate:

“Metamorphosis on the Planet of the Apes.” A depressed middle-class man wakes up one morning in an ape suit--and it won’t unzip! The film is a heartbreaking look at the shameful way humans treat other humans trapped inside monkey suits. The poignancy is enhanced all the more when the film’s hero declares, “It’s a madhouse!” at the conclusion of each scene, even those in which he’s not featured. Surprise ending: The “humans” all unzip their costumes to reveal their true selves--apes!

“Underneath the Planet Beneath the Planet of the Apes.” As James Franciscus hides from the apes and the bomb-worshiping mind-control mutants, a whole new world exists underneath them! In this world, the apes are super-polite, recycle and welcome astronaut Haley Joel Osment with open--albeit hairy--arms. The film is meant to be an allegory showing that fictional apes can get along with overpaid underage actors. Surprise ending: The morons upstairs with the unsightly bulging cranial veins blow up the world!

“Around the Corner From the Planet of the Apes.” Just before the world explodes, Mark Wahlberg stumbles upon a spaceship and skedaddles off the ape-dominated planet. In space travel, he gets caught in a time warp--as so often happens--and is plunked back to Earth circa 2001 where he buys a ticket to Burton’s “Planet of the Apes.” Wahlberg is mesmerized by his gigantic image on screen and at film’s end gives himself a standing ovation. Surprise ending: Wahlberg screams, “It’s a madhouse!”

“The Planet of the Apes and Gary Condit.” Desperate to escape the media hordes, the California congressman gladly jumps aboard an experimental spacecraft and lands--guess where? Gorillas find the congressman’s capsule, rip it open and throw Condit around like a rag doll for 83 minutes. Surprise ending: The apes stop throwing Condit around long enough to lay him flat and jump up and down on him for another two minutes.

“Planet of the Full Monty Apes.” The independent film community weighs in on the ape story, concocting a tale about five unemployed gorillas who agree to dance nude in exchange for a banana split. Surprise ending: The gorillas were never actually fired from their jobs as airport baggage handlers but were just being manipulated into the humiliating situation by the producers of the new TV show “Spy Ape TV.”

“Eco-Planet of the Apes.” The polar ice caps melt and swallow up all the apes’ lush jungles and funky little simian cottages. But that’s OK because they’d built a big boat and just sail around the high seas singing fun monkey songs. Surprise ending: George W. Bush crash-lands near the boat and argues that global warming is balderdash. The apes--who don’t speak English on this planet--don’t know what he’s saying and toss him overboard.

“The Muppets and the Planet of the Apes.” In a return to the original spirit of the series, this sequel has the lovable Muppets crash-landing on the apes’ home planet. The apes surround the frightened Muppets, rip open their capsule and tear the morning-show darlings limb from limb for the next 83 minutes. Surprise ending: There isn’t one. Just 83 minutes of unrelenting pain and misery for the Muppets.

“Planet of the Thirtysomething Apes.” A TV “dramedy” about a group of young professional apes who can’t get enough bananas, even though they live in Banana City! It’s just one of the contradictory elements of the ape condition that makes the show so very interesting. The first episode centers on Mikal, the alpha ape, who is losing the hair on his back. . Surprise ending: Mikal’s wife and friends scream when they see his hideous patchy back. Mikal is shunned until he buys a back toupee.