Not Your Usual Holiday Message

Los Angeles Police Chief Bernard Parks appeared at a televised press conference the other day to remind us that this is the season of giving ... and stealing and beating and raping.

It was a mixed array of warnings he offered, from “don’t wear expensive jewelry” to “don’t drive fancy cars,” which, if it applied, would pretty much paralyze Beverly Hills.

I was watching the conference with my wife, who was puzzled by the chief’s series of negativities. Women notice these things more than men, who regard warnings and admonitions as part of the day’s burden and learn to live with them.

“Tis a season of ‘don’ts,’” she said. “Don’t do this and don’t do that, and don’t get caught at it if you do. Whatever became of ho, ho, ho?”

I also wondered why he was doing this, and then I remembered the Lemon Cake Summit. You might have read about it. Mayor Little Jimmy Hahn called a session the other day that brought together two warring factions, namely Parks and Mitzi Grasso, president of the Police Protective League.

The league has been nipping like an angry Chihuahua at the chief’s heels for a lot of reasons, so Hahn invited Parks and Grasso over for coffee and lemon cake to settle their differences. Similar meetings in Oakland used to be held over chips and Bloody Marys, and the dissidents came out hugging and singing. That was a different era, I guess.

At any rate, Little Jimmy told them both that the safety of the city was more important than their hissing and pouting. So after the Lemon Cake Summit, Parks faced the media and said, more or less, beware of Christmas.

That was his idea of keeping the city safe.

As a peacemaker, Little Jimmy turned out to be about as effective as Yasser Arafat. Grasso emerged from the meeting still talking about having the chief’s head on a platter, and Parks seems to have missed the whole point of the session.

Mayors are not noted for their abilities to solve problems nor police chiefs for their perception of subtleties. Hahn has adopted ex-Mayor Richard Riordan’s philosophy of Everybody Be Nice, which is an extrapolation of Rodney King’s “Can’t we all just get along?” comment after he was beaten bloody 10 years ago.

But being nice, alas, is just not the way we do things in L.A. Being quick and ducking fast is more like it.

Chief Parks seems to believe that inadequate police protection, for whatever reason, isn’t a problem. If all of us were just more careful during the holidays, there would be fewer crimes. In other words, if you don’t make yourself a victim, you won’t be victimized. Rodney King wouldn’t have been beaten, for example, had he not insisted on being black.

Police chiefs in any major city come and go like fleas on a dog, and I would hate to see Parks become just another flea. He’s tall, pleasant and African American, all of which is more than desirable in a city that boasts of its racial and ethnic diversity.

And even if he did miss the point of the Lemon Cake Summit, the remarkable simplicity of his press conference statement manages to remind us how dangerous the holiday season is, even if we don’t drink and drive or pass out on the sidewalk with our purses open or our pockets turned inside out.

In the spirit of the season, I would join, however temporarily, with Chief Parks, and maybe even take it a little further to apply the don’t rules to the whole county. Think of me frowning and shaking my finger at you as I say:

Do not wear your $2,200 hot pink, rhinestone-spattered Ver- sace jersey dress and $1,200 Jimmy Choo shoes when you shop, or you’re liable to be stripped naked and your clothes sold on a street corner in the Valley.

Appearing dirty and ragged while shopping is also not desirable. You could be mistaken for a rock star and followed to your car. God help you when the crook discovers you’re not the lead guitarist for Creed and have no money sewn in your shabby underwear.

Similarly, do not appear in public under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Thieves might take you for a rich actor and steal everything but your shriveled liver.

Do not eat at expensive restaurants. If you can afford Ginza Sushiko or L’Orangerie, muggers will figure you can spare a little something for them. Stick to Denny’s. The Grand Slam Breakfast is nice.

Do not carry a camera. Thieves will think you’re a tourist loaded with easily forged travelers checks. And, if possible, don’t be a Japanese tourist. For those unaccustomed to our ways, if a mugger says, “Your money or your life,” he is not offering you money, he’s demanding it. Smiling, nodding and saying “OK” but doing nothing isn’t adequate. Give him the money. For those who are still confused, I say it louder so you’ll understand: GIVE HIM THE MONEY!

Do not shop at expensive stores. That’s a dead giveaway that either you have money or your credit cards still contain a little spending room. If possible, don’t shop at all, but don’t stay home either. Home-invasion robbers know that if you’re not shopping, you’re probably home. They’ll go after you there, take the jewelry you’re not wearing, beat you, assault your wife, scare the kids and shoot the dog.

It would be best, in fact, if you left L.A. completely and enjoyed the holidays in Jasper, Wyo., where, I am assured, they have no expensive jewelry or fancy cars.

I hope that helps, chief. And merry Christmas to all.

Al Martinez’s column appears Mondays and Thursday’s. He’s at al.martinez@latimes.com.