UCLA’s School of Medicine recently celebrated its...

UCLA’s School of Medicine recently celebrated its 50th anniversary. Some of the folks who work there include ...

Judith Gasson, a professor of medicine and biological chemistry and director of the Jonsson Comprehensive Cancer Center, displaying something that looks like bad caviar at a cheap wedding reception. She claims, however, that these are stem cells belonging to mice.

“Well, we jumped from No. 14 to No. 8 in research grants,” says Dr. Gerald Levey, dean of the UCLA School of Medicine, commenting on the current state of his domain. “Then somebody demanded a recount, as a result of which we actually moved to No. 7. Thank God for those dangling chads. By the way, if you don’t make me look like Robert Redford, I’m firing our PR department.”

“We don’t toilet paper people’s houses or anything. We just go to the movies,” says Minh-Chau Vu, fourth-year medical student, describing her fellow students’ extracurricular activities. An aspiring radiologist, she sighed and said, “And now I’m gonna be a cartoon.”

“They did?” exclaims pathologist Dr. Jonathan Braun, his mighty eyebrows working overtime, upon learning that his colleagues had avoided making controversial statements. “Well, I can say anything I want. All the patients in my clinic are dead.” Amid the cadavers, 9-year-old Adam Braun munched on Dem Bones candy and scoffed, “This is nothing. A while ago Dad let me touch a brain. Now, that was cool.”