American Blokes’ Jokes Get Lost in Translation Across the Pond

I recently received a letter implying I am a typical American: ignorant, parochial, self-centered. It came from an editor at the Guardian, which is a newspaper in England, which is a country over in Europe somewhere. The editor had read some columns in which I engaged in humor combat with a woman; he dared me to take on a Brit, volunteering his celebrated feature writer, Oliver Burkeman. Six questions.

* What are the principal ways in which British and American humor differ?

Oliver: British humor falls into two categories: the brilliantly subtle, ironic and self-deprecating kind for which this great nation is famed, and the kind that involves making fun of the Germans for being boring. I prefer the second kind because it is easier to know when to laugh: the point at which the joke-teller adopts a comic German accent. There is nothing quite so hilarious as a comic German accent! For the benefit of Americans, I’d like to point out I am being subtly ironic here. As for American humor, I believe it was de Tocqueville who noted that only America could have produced (a) Woody Allen and (b) “The Waterboy,” starring Adam Sandler.

Gene: American humor is much more concise and sophisticated. The name “Oliver Burkeman” contains the components of “barium” and “enema.”

* Select a humorous, hurtful stereotype about your opponent’s country and explain why it’s true.

Oliver: The Stupid American Tourist has actually been scientifically proved. A group of Oxford researchers watched Americans in local pubs and found that some spent up to 45 minutes wondering why the table service was so slow today before giving up and leaving, presumably to go shopping at one of those shops the Brits never go near, like the Delightful Oxforde Fudge Store or the Genuine Olde Shoppe for Relieving Americans of Their Spare Money.

But all this stereotyping is really just a roundabout way of reaffirming our transatlantic brotherhood, you know. It’s like the old song: I say po-TAY-to, you say po-TAH-to; I subscribe to international protocols designed to protect the world from the cataclysmic effects of climate change, and you--oh, actually that’s not such a good example.

Gene: Stereotypes? You mean, aside from their ludicrous long-windedness? I’d have to go with the stuff they eat. You know, bladder and pancreas pie, tinned jellied vole, boiled pizza, etc.

* What might be a funny name for the leader of your opponent’s country to have?

Oliver: President Belch! Because if there is one genre of comedy in which Great Britain excels, it is the Comedy of the Hilarious Bodily Function. There is nothing quite so amusing as bodily functions. Apart from Germans, of course.

Also, “Calvin Coolidge.”

Gene: It’s a tossup: Prime Minister Ice-2-Doggz or Prime Minister Anthony “The Squid” Squillante.

* If America had remained a colony of England, how would Americans be different?

Oliver: For a start, “the United States of America” is too grand a name for a colony, so we’d probably opt for something like “British American Territories,” or maybe “West Wales.” Also, “Friends” would have been called “Mutually Respectful Colleagues,” and every American male would share the appearance and reticent manner of Hugh Grant, because this is exactly what all British males are like. You might have our national anthem, too. So be grateful.

Gene: Your national anthem? Have you heard ours? It’s so arcane and incomprehensible that when we have to summon emotion at sporting events, we’ll sing anything else. “America the Beautiful.” “God Bless America.” “The Wheels on the Bus.” Anything.

If we were still a colony, by the way, the sporting events would feature men with knobby knees in short pants, grunting. Every game would end with a score of 0-0.

* Please deliver a devastating backhanded compliment to your opponent’s nation.

Oliver: Americans are exceedingly generous in the way they tirelessly introduce mainland Europeans to their native language.

Gene: Because of their public sexual prudity, coupled with their private kinkiness, the Brits selflessly entertain the world with semiannual spectacles of tut-tutting and hand-wringing every time some member of Parliament is discovered deceased in fishnet stockings in a compromising position with a codfish.

* What sort of pickup line would most impress a woman from your opponent’s country?

Oliver: This is the one about being a firefighter, right?

Gene: “Hello, I am an American. As you can see, my teeth are white, and uniformly spaced.”

Gene Weingarten is a columnist for the Washington Post.