Do You Hear What I Hear?: O.C. Newsmakers Petition Santa
In an unprecedented break with tradition, a reluctant Santa Claus has released the Christmas wish lists of various Orange County newsmakers. Claus said he did so only when faced with a Freedom of Information request from the news media.
Dear Santa,
I know you’re busy. I need dark socks, but what I really want is a well-conceived legal strategy to give me a new international airport at El Toro. I want this airport really bad and, by the way, think it would be a good thing for many people (even if they don’t know it).
Sincerely,
Supervisor Chuck Smith
Dear Santa,
You have been very generous to me in the past, like the time I asked you to put me in charge of the Irvine Co. and make me a billionaire. Hope you noticed the extra helping of cookies the next year. This time around, I’d like a legacy so that my name will ring throughout Orange County for years to come. If money is an issue, let me know.
Sincerely,
Don Bren
Dear St. Nick,
Let me get to the point. First, I want Barbara Lichman off my back. That is job one for you. Second, I’ll need about 547 tons of grass seed and fertilizer. Don’t ask. Also, a large quantity of ducks.
Sincerely,
Larry Agran,
Irvine Mayor
Dear Santa,
First of all, thanks for the sets of Encyclopedia Britannica and World Book and the collected works of Shakespeare you brought last year. It was more than I asked for and, in my then-position as dean of Trinity Law School, was invaluable. This year, I have a much simpler request: How about a job reference?
Sincerely,
Winston Frost
Hey, Pal,
Give me an opponent. I’ll run against anybody--Democrat, Republican, whatever. One other thing, and this is most important: I need a wedge issue. It doesn’t have to be a big one or an expensive one.
All the best,
Robert Dornan
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is to run against Bob Dornan again. If you can’t arrange that, there’s really nothing else I need.
Thankfully,
Loretta Sanchez
Big Fella,
How about some fans? Lots of fans. Thousands of fans. And just so there’s no confusion, I’m not talking about the floor or ceiling types. I mean the kind that buy beer and season tickets. P.S.: This is urgent.
Hopefully,
Bill Stoneman,
Angels general manager
Dear Sir,
We’re both very busy people, so I won’t take much of your time. No. 1 on my list is a year’s worth of flamenco lessons. Second would be anything Espana-related. The only thing I don’t want is a subpoena.
Respectfully,
George Argyros
Dear Santa,
I desperately need a one-way ticket from Newport Beach to New York.
Very truly yours,
Mo Vaughn
Dear Mr. Claus,
I’m the city manager of a unique town in California named Laguna Woods. We have been made up entirely of senior citizens but now are opening up a bit to younger residents. Accordingly, could you leave some swing sets and some fun games that would be appropriate for youngsters from 35 to 54? Many thanks.
Sincerely,
Leslie Keane
Hey, You Big Fat Clown,
My name is Ken and I’m a professor at a place called Orange Coast College. You’re probably too dumb to know where it is or how to find me, but here’s what I want: a copy of Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” And make it a mint copy, will you?
Sincerely,
Kenneth Hearlson
Dear Mr. Claus,
Like you, I am the CEO of a large corporation that specializes in myth-making. I am very interested in merging our operations in a manner that would serve both our needs. If you’re interested, leave a note on the fireplace indicating when we could get together. I’d be happy to come to your place if that would be most convenient.
With warmest regards,
Disney Chairman
Michael Eisner
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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at The Times’ Orange County edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com.