Scale-Busters of the World, Unite

Surgeon General Denounces Obesity, Urges Patriots to Lose 10 Pounds

--December 2001

News briefs from the future:

December 2002: The Surgeon General is renamed the Fat Czar with an office next to the Drug Czar and the Terrorism Czar.

“The word ‘surgeon’ has no place in our war on fat,” the new czar said. “Liposuction, stomach stapling, jaw wiring and other surgical shortcuts are a coward’s way out.”

January 2004: Authorities report a record number of citations at holiday roadblocks. Nationwide, police say that 20% of motorists stopped, or 652,850 individuals, were given tickets for lying about their weight on their driver’s license, a federal crime.

June 2006: A Plymouth Rock hen named Greta becomes the last fried chicken served in America. Henceforth KFC will stand for Kentucky Fresh Celery.

April 2008: The Body Mass Index, measuring height-to-weight ratio, is reduced from 22 (6 feet tall, 150 pounds) to 19 (6 feet, 140 pounds). Beginning next year, anyone with a BMI greater than 19 will pay an obesity surcharge on federal taxes.

“Obese people take up more space on our crowded sidewalks and require bigger hospital beds, so this adjustment is only fair,” said the lobbying group MERE, More Effort to Restrain Eating, which sought the change.

November 2009: The U.S. Postal Service says it will no longer deliver mail addressed to Santa Claus, who tops this year’s FBI 10 Fattest People list.

Meanwhile in New York, the Metropolitan removes a portrait of Luciano Pavarotti from its boardroom, explaining that the great tenor is taking up too much wall space.

July 2010: Yielding to an activist boycott by LEAN, Let Eaters Access Nowhere, Bloomingdale’s announces it will no longer offer men’s belts in waist sizes larger than 32 inches.

August 2011: Ralphs supermarkets open express lanes for customers with BMI’s of 15 or less.

“Fat people buy too much food and should not delay other customers,” the company says in a statement.

November 2011: The group People United/No Yummies demands that the song “America the Beautiful” be shortened.

“We can no longer glorify food products of any type, including ‘amber waves of grain,’ ” says a PUNY spokesperson. “Besides, nobody has the energy to sing such a long song anymore.”

July 2012: The California Legislature outlaws the sale of sunflower seeds to anyone under 21.

Calling it a “win-win” vote, advocates for the bill say teenagers will be offered a chance to redeem stockpiled seeds for equal portions of toasted grass clippings at school cafeterias. “Instead of eating these fat-rich seeds and littering school yards, our youth can enjoy a no-calorie snack and clean up their neighborhoods,” says a spokeswoman for GAGG, Grandmothers Against Ghastly Gluttony.

August 2012: After the most comprehensive study of its kind, the Federal Centers for Fat and Disease Control confirm widespread suspicions that obesity is a leading cause of global warming.

“We’ve all seen the way that fat people sweat and huff and puff. This proves that they’re damaging the atmosphere for us all,” the report says.

August 2013: Ford blames obesity for a rash of rollovers involving the company’s SUVs.

“Fat people can unbalance a vehicle,” explains a spokesman. “And besides, they are dangerous drivers, always reaching for more food.”

October 2013: The cucumber displaces the pumpkin as the most popular carved vegetable in American households this Halloween.

November 2013: For the first time in her long history, Barbie is being slimmed down for the holiday season. The decision is prompted by pleas from the group BONY, or Being Obese is Nasty and Yucky. The organization says Barbie’s old BMI of 12 is encouraging girls to overeat.

March 2014: The Los Angeles Police Department eliminates the nightstick from its equipment inventory.

“With an average BMI of 10, officers can no longer keep their pants up with so much weight on their belts,” the LAPD says.

October 2014: For spring, Paris designers display new super-sheer fabrics that allow you to see through not just the clothing but through the models wearing them.

November 2014: The children’s rights group, Tired of Wicked and Irresponsible Gastronomy, demands reconfiguration of TV sets.

“Wide-screen TV has no place in today’s America,” says a TWIG lobbyist. “Actors are role models for our children and should fit on a narrower screen.”

October 2015: Weather forces postponement of Game No. 2 of the World Series after a wind gust blows an outfielder with a BMI of 8 into the stands at Dodger Stadium, where he shatters into pieces.