How Did He Know What They Needed? It’s a Gift

We’re right at the end of that time of year when there is more golf on television than you could possibly watch or even care about. All these special made-for-TV golf shows run together so much that you can’t tell them apart. Just last week there was the Wendy’s Father-Son Grand Slam World Cup Hyundai Team Warburg Skins Challenge Shootout. Or something.

Now, as a general group, pro golfers have a great deal for which to be thankful. The bountiful list includes professional tours that pass out hundreds of millions of dollars in prize money, free lunch buffets, free courtesy cars every week and somebody to scrape the mud off their shoes every time they play.

This makes it tough to come up with meaningful gift ideas for golfers who seem to have everything. Of course, that’s not going to stop us from covering ourselves in warm, fuzzy feelings. So in the spirit of giving, it’s time to start handing out gifts for the holiday season.

And, really, thank yous are not necessary.

Phil Mickelson--A major. It’s sort of pathetic to feel sorry for a guy who has won $18 million.

Tiger Woods--The other three majors. The same reason people like Michael Jordan and the Yankees, they like a dominant Tiger.

Karrie Webb--A sense of humor. She absolutely hated comparisons to Woods, a reaction that seems totally misguided. To whom would she rather be compared? Tim Herron?

Colin Montgomerie--Respect. He’s the player who U.S. fans love to hate, probably because he sort of eggs everybody on. Monty deserves better. And if he can’t get respect, maybe he can have what Mickelson’s getting.

Hootie Johnson--Another bulldozer for Augusta National. Hey, next thing you know, they’re going to replace the grass on the greens with fast-drying cement to take putting to a new level: from absurdly difficult to practically impossible. That should make Hootie happy.

Ty Tryon--A senior prom. When you turn pro at 17, it’s surprising what you miss in real life.

Arnold Palmer--Whatever he wants.

Jack Nicklaus--One more shot at the Masters. There never has been and never will be anything like the sound of a gallery’s roar for Nicklaus tearing through the Georgia pines.

David Duval--All the snow and snowboards in Sun Valley, Idaho. If standing up to your knees in freezing, cold stuff is your kind of fun, more power to you.

David Fay--A meteorologist’s license. Now the USGA honcho can learn everything there is to know about spring-like effects.

John Daly--One interview without any questions about his drinking. Naw, too far-fetched. Even Santa’s stymied on this one.

Casey Martin--One interview without any questions about his cart. Not going to happen either, but he sure deserves it.

Jean Van de Velde--Every interview with questions about his mind-bending, folding act at Carnoustie in the 1999 British Open. After all, what else is there to talk about?

Laura Davies--A driver that makes the ball go straight. That grass out there between the trees is called the fairway, in case you forgot.

Jose Maria Olazabal--See Laura Davies.

Ty Votaw--Sponsors. The LPGA has some of its greatest stars ever, but the money people are bailing and there’s not enough network TV.

Tim Finchem--No more rubber chicken. The PGA Tour commissioner eats more bad food at more official dinners than anyone in golf, which is what happens when you’re No. 1 in the wheeler-dealer set. Either that or a new, tour-issued blue blazer to replace the one he wore out ... eating bad food at official dinners.

Sergio Garcia--A new grip. Where did he learn that tedious gripping and re-gripping stuff before he swings? Did he grow up choking turkeys or something?

Duffy Waldorf--An acting gig. Wait until Disney recasts “The Jungle Book,” because he’s perfect for Baloo the bear.

Annika Sorenstam--A visit to the rough. She should at least know where it is, right?

Davis Love III--Major victory II. It has been IV years since Love won the PGA Championship, and since he turns VIII in April, his chances for another one are going to start getting slimmer.

Kirk Triplett--A new hat. That one he’s wearing? Gilligan wants it back.

Darren Clarke--A health club membership. When you tip the scales at 240 and you chain-smoke cigars as you walk down the fairway, you need to double the sit-ups, not the double cheeseburgers.

Gary Player--A new nickname. When you’re 66, should you still be called “Laddie”?

The Senior PGA Tour--Its tournaments on live television. What, they’re going to do that? What progressive thinking, golf on live television. We’re off to a good start already.

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T.J. Simers had the day off.