LAUGH LINES

State of Confusion: “White House [spokesman] Ari Fleischer said the president was never in any danger during the [recent] shooting [at the White House]. . . . He said George W. Bush was in the gym and Dick Cheney was in his office. . . . Even [Fleischer] isn’t sure which one’s president.” (Argus Hamilton)

Deja Vu: “Al Gore presided over his first day of classes at Columbia University [recently]. . . . Unfortunately, the class was short several students who had accidentally signed up for a Pat Buchanan lecture.” (Craig Kilborn)

Oink Oink: “An Ohio State University researcher has found that pigs can be fattened for market faster if they eat potato chip scraps. Can you imagine if all you had to do was lie around and eat potato chips all day long? [Those] pigs about to be slaughtered have it sweet.” (Dennis Miller)

Give It Back: “The Clintons now say they will give back everything. This is all a huge misunderstanding. . . . The Clintons said they will give back any gifts if it turns out those items were not meant personally for them. . . . You know, like the antique silver tray that says ‘Good luck, President Jefferson.’ ” (Jay Leno)

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