Reshuffling the Pack of Celebrity Couples

You have to wonder just what in heaven’s name is wrong with this world when a couple of crazy kids like Puffy and J.Lo can’t make it work.

Sure, there were the career demands, the infamous dress, the gunplay, not to mention the looming threat that the Puffster might actually wear some of the clothing from his new fashion line in public. Still, even given these love bumps--oh, and I guess you do have to figure in the potential for hard time--happily-ever-after should at least have had a chance.

But it didn’t.

As devastating as the J.Lo-Puffy breakup is to all of us, what makes it even more distressing is that it is not an isolated incident. Celebrities these days are splitting faster than a one-area-code-size pair of pants on a two-area-code-size behind.

While no one can do anything about the carnage, in its aftermath perhaps we can provide some humanitarian relief. We can do what relationship rescue workers have always done when people call it quits.

We can fix them up with somebody else.

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Mixing and matching the current crop of suddenly single celebrities is not easy, but given what we know about everyone, here is how we would pair them off:

J.Lo and Russell Crowe, because she’s next on his list.

Puffy and Meg Ryan, because Meg’s on a losing streak and you never want to mess with a streak.

Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman, because there’s something clever to be written involving Nick-at-Nite, although we couldn’t think of it.

Alec Baldwin and Jane Fonda, because there is also something clever to be said about politics making strange bedfellows, although we couldn’t think of that either.

Tom Cruise and Anne Heche, because they may have the beard thing in common.

Kim Basinger and Ted Turner, because she is a blond, and he is a serial blonder.

Melissa Etheridge and Ahmad Rashad and David Crosby, because this trio would have the potential to take reproductive weirdness to a new level.

Robert Downey Jr. and Helen Hunt, because we hated “Mad About You,” and this is a good chance to get even.

Harrison Ford and J.Lo, because Russell has moved on to Nicole.