Always Happy to Help Out Kids Living in Hard-to-Pronounce Places

Those of you who know me well--who know the real Tony Kornheiser--know that deep inside of me is the desire to help today’s youth.

Oh, sure, on the outside I’m a slap-happy guy and a smooth dancer. But on the inside there’s a sensitive, loving, caring soul committed to education and hope. Nothing pleases me more than giving a child hope that he or she can find the way through life’s tangled path. As I often say to my own children, “How many times do I have to tell you--when you use up the freakin’ toilet paper, put in a new roll!” But I say it with love. And caring.

So I was especially pleased to receive a letter asking me to be a graduation speaker at the prestigious Bandung Alliance International School in Indonesia.

The last thing I want to do is cheap, insensitive humor making fun of foreign names. But how about this address: “Gunung Agung. Bandung.” Hahaha! That’s like Afghanistan-Bananastan. “Gunung Agung.” Gesundheit! Hahaha.

Anyway, I’m reproducing the letter because it’s far funnier than any joke I was going to write about George Bush’s hack Cabinet.

“Dear Tony: We have been great fans of yours since one of our classmates brought in your book “Bald as I Wanna Be.” I don’t know how up-to-date you are on the situation in Indonesia, but for those of us who have lived here through economic collapse, political instability and rioting, your book was a welcome relief.

*

“We learned that you are less than enthusiastic about flying, so we asked one of our teachers: How long is the flight from D.C. to Jakarta? And what drugs can we send you to make your flight more comfortable? He told us the trip is 36 hours and we could send a medicine called Anti-Mo.

“All the international students here are familiar with this motion sickness medicine, because we have to ride buses to retreats four times a year. The last trip we went on, the driver assured us that the key to avoiding plummeting off a 12,000-foot mountain road was not brakes but speed and handling. With one tablet of Anti-Mo, we not only relaxed during the journey, but several students believed the journey was leading them into another sphere of reality.

“Let me encourage you not to believe everything you read about the anti-American sentiment in Indonesia. Although there have been a few machete attacks and lynchings, we Americans have learned to avoid trouble by telling people we’re from Lichtenstein. Not only is that a place Indonesians have never heard of, it’s very difficult for them to pronounce.”

Now, what would get me to go to Indonesia? I don’t even want to go to Indianapolis.

My crack research staff, Tom, spent days on the Internet looking up porn sites--and in his spare time came up with these facts about Indonesia: The Indonesian currency is the rupiah. On the 500 rupiah note, they have a traditional Indonesian house on stilts. Houses are built on stilts “to prevent wild animals and flood waters from getting in.”

*

This was not good, but I wanted to be polite. So I responded I’d be glad to speak at the graduation.

So I’m writing that graduation speech. Here’s what I’ve got:

Graduates of the Bandung Alliance International School. Thank you so much for inviting me. What time is it here? It’s a 36-hour flight, and I have been heavily medicated with Anti-Mo. For all I know, it is Howdy Doody time.

Should I be worried that something just bit me? It was large and green. Am I going to die in this Godforsaken place? Seriously, is this thing poisonous? Somebody call a doctor.

But I digress. What are you kids doing in Indonesia? Didn’t you see “The Year of Living Dangerously”? Get out. No, honestly, get out.

What, you were expecting tips on how to kosherize meat?

Drive home safely.