Verbally Executing the Oaf of Office

Inauguration day is a day away, but you can already picture it--a proud father standing in the background as George Walker Bush places a hand on the Bible and raises another, to take the oath of office:

“Psst! George!”

“Quiet, daddy, I’m being ‘naugurated.”

“The other hand, George.”

“What?”

“Left hand on the Bible, right hand in the air.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“And this one’s the left?”

“YES!”

“Got it. OK, go ahead, I’m ready to be sweared in now.”

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Repeat after me, the 43rd president will then be told.

“I do solemnly swear . . . “

“I do solemnly swear . . . “

“That I will faithfully execute . . . “

“That I will fatally execute . . . “

“Faithfully.”

“What?”

“Not fatally--faithfully.”

“You sure?”

“Yes!”

“OK, that I’ll faithfully execute . . . “

“The office of president of the United States . . . “

“The office of president of the United States . . . “

“And will, to the best of my ability . . . “

“And will do the best of my ability . . . “

“TO the best.”

“Do the best of my ability to the best of my ability?”

“No, TO the best of my ability . . . “

“OK.”

“Preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States . . . “

“Preserve, protect and prevent the Constitution of the United States . . . “

“Close enough.”

“Close enough.”

“So help me God.”’

“Help me, God!”

And that’ll do it. George W. Bush will thereupon become the occupant at 1600 Pennsylvania, the king of the hill, the top banana, the head cheese, the leader of the free world.

The first thing curious George will probably do in office is call a meeting of his top aides to ask: “OK, which part of the world isn’t free?”

The second thing he’ll do is find a closet where he can hang his 100 red ties next to his 100 blue ties.

The third thing he’ll do is put Dick Cheney’s and Colin Powell’s phone numbers on speed dial, for anything important that comes up.

And that’s just the first 24 hours of the next four years.

After the inauguration, there will be only 1,460 days or so remaining in Bush’s first term. We can start X’ing off days on our calendars right away, like convicts scrawling on cell walls.

It shouldn’t take very long for Bush to begin putting his personal imprint on the presidency.

For example, if the governor of Minnesota can do it, there is no good reason why President Bush can’t freelance as a TV analyst for the Xtreme Football League.

Furthermore, GWB’s fireside chats could become as popular as FDR’s. He can even reassure us in times of crisis . . . say if Saddam Hussein stirs up trouble and Bush has to threaten “to send American troops to Ireland.”

It’ll be President Bush who will give our next “State of the Union” address, saying that he’s pretty sure there are 50, including Alaska and Hawaii.

President Bush who will never be able to remember which one’s NASA and which one’s NATO.

President Bush who will think a subcommittee runs a boat that travels underwater.

President Bush who will hear about Burkina Faso and hope to meet her someday.

President Bush who will think the Bureau of the Census has something to do with sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch.

President Bush who will ask how many greens got damaged, because he’s heard about a hurricane hitting the Golf region.

President Bush who will say that he hopes to represent the American people just as our founding fathers like George Jefferson did.

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The word inauguration comes from “to augur,” or to practice augury.

In ancient Rome, an augur was any of a body of officials who interpreted omens as favorable or unfavorable, at the outset of a new undertaking.

So, may there be no bad omens as our new president’s rule begins on Saturday.

Let us all pray for a perfect day, before George W. Bush begins fatally executing the office of president.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to: Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com