Psst: The True Social Diary of a Retired World Leader

Jake Siewert, President Clinton’s press secretary, ended the last press briefing of the Clinton administration by giving a fictional account of what his boss will be doing next week--information that reporters traditionally clamor for on Friday afternoons.

Taking note of Clinton’s departure for the new family home in Chappaqua, N.Y., and his status as a former president, Siewert offered:

Sunday, Jan. 21: Set up e-mail account: waspotus@aol.com. Closed to the press. (“Potus” is shorthand for “president of the United States.”)

Monday, 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.: Await arrival of the Westchester County cable guy. Closed to the press.

Tuesday, 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.: Await arrival of the Westchester County cable guy.

Wednesday: Pitch DreamWorks guys on movie treatment: “Lithuanian terrorists capture Air Force One; president ends hostage situation by negotiating $3.2-billion debt-forgiveness package and microcredit loan guarantees for Lithuania.”

Friday, 11 a.m.: Depart for Mount Kisco Pep Boys to purchase timing belt and spark plugs for 1968 Mustang. Pool press.

Saturday, 10:10 a.m.: Deliver the Democratic response to President Bush’s radio address.