Oscar’s Musical Venture Is No Laughing Matter

Looking for cheap laughs, the way a man turns to the “Three Stooges” for eye pokes, I popped Oscar De La Hoya’s new CD into my disc player.

What a hoot this was going to be.

I had all my gag critiques ready:

No Mas!--Roberto Duran, Panama Daily Star.

Best singing boxer since Joe Frazier!--Eddie Futch.

The little pugilist has stolen my act!--William Shatner, Priceline.com.

Came out singing in the early verses, but took the last three songs off--Felix Trinidad.

Somebody needs to set this CD “en fuego”--Dan Patrick.

Yet, after listening to the 14 tracks of “Oscar De La Hoya,” I was drawn to an undeniable conclusion:

This CD is not bad.

Groundbreaking? Hardly.

Van Morrison’s “Astral Weeks” is not threatened here.

But in the sticky-gooey tar pit of Latino pop, a world in which “She Bangs” sets the standard, De La Hoya’s debut CD is a pretty good first punch.

Should Oscar’s fight against Arturo Gatti fall through, in fact, I’d like to see him sing 12 rounds against Ricky Martin at the MGM.

Chalk up another victory in the golden life of the Golden Boy.

De La Hoya says a higher power than Bob Arum guided him in boxing.

“Now I know that this Angel has given me the strength and the ability to sing such beautiful music,” Oscar writes in the CD’s liner notes.

We didn’t fact-check this, but isn’t De La Hoya the first person to win an Olympic gold medal, welterweight title and a Grammy nomination?

De La Hoya’s CD was nominated in the category of “Best Latin Pop Album.” He’s up against “Mi Reflejo” by Christina Aguilera, “Vivo” by Luis Miguel, “El Alma Al Aire” by Alejandro Sanz and “Shakira--MTV Unplugged,” by Shakira.

The Grammys will be held Feb. 21 at Staples Center, coincidentally, site of De La Hoya’s defeat last June to Shane Mosley.

De La Hoya has not fought since, retreating into a den of over-dubs while lawyers haggled over his contractual break from Arum, a freedom Oscar won Jan. 11 in federal district court.

If Oscar wins the Grammy, I envision a remote hookup with him at his Big Bear training complex, the boxer thanking all the little people--bantamweights, flyweights--who made it all possible.

Make no mistake, Oscar had some help on this, with an entourage as long as any that has followed him into a ring.

In his liner notes, De La Hoya thanks four vocal coaches--as many larynx directors as Oscar has had trainers.

Yes, this CD is slicker than the Exxon Valdez and has more layers than a Liz Taylor wedding cake.

Yes, it’s hard to tell on some tracks who’s singing, De La Hoya or the Vienna Boys’ Choir.

But, unlike some of his boxing choices, De La Hoya the singer has surrounded himself with a stellar cast.

The CD was produced by Rudy Perez, who helped Aguilera to fame. Diane Warren, the Hollywood hit maker, serves Oscar the song, “With These Hands,” a heartfelt ballad all about love and nothing about fists.

And with these hands I will fight for you

And with these hands I will hold you.

Gets you right in the gut, doesn’t it?

We know of De La Hoya’s boxing wars against the Brothers Goossen.

In song, though, Oscar takes on the Brothers Gibb.

De La Hoya croons a cover of the Bee Gees’ “Run to Me,” that is better than the original because the high notes do not set dogs barking.

I enlisted the help of a bilingual cohort to explore the lyrics of the CD’s several Spanish-language songs, hoping to unearth the inner De La Hoya.

On this front, we are left sadly wanting.

On the first track, “Mi Amor,” De La Hoya sings, “I can’t sleep at night, you’ve got me hypnotized.”

I first thought this spoke to Oscar’s trepidation over a rematch against Mosley but, in the end, it was just another puppy-love song.

We only can hope De La Hoya’s second CD takes more personal inventory.

If the Beatles can move from “She Loves You” to the introspection of “Rubber Soul,” why can’t Oscar evolve?

We want Oscar to spill the goods, the way Bob Dylan cut a vein and dripped “Blood on the Tracks.”

De La Hoya has a warehouse of emotional material from which to draw, enough ex-girlfriends, trainers and managers to fill a loose-leaf binder.

In the ring, Oscar once broke Genaro Hernandez’s nose.

In music, he needs to break new ground.

Three song suggestions for “Oscar II.”

* “How Do You Sleep, Bob Arum.”

So the verdict took you by surprise, well I saw right through that judge’s eyes. You made for me a lot of jack, but Bob, you can’t have that money back.

You used to hold the golden chalice, but now you promote Diego Corrales.

* “Fernando.”

Your life is just a circus, Vargas, I know it must be hard.

To see how famous I’ve become, while you’re sitting in Oxnard.

* “The Boxer”

It was September of ‘99, and I was very sad. That was the month and year, that I lost to Trinidad. But I came back, to win again, my life returned to sane. That is, of course, until I stepped, into the ring with Shane.

Can’t wait for the “Greatest Hits” collection.