How can religious leaders avoid an affair?

THE REV. WILFREDO BENITEZ

St. Anselm of Canterbury Episcopal Church, Garden Grove

Ministers need to acknowledge that they are sexual beings just like anyone else, susceptible to the same temptations. I think it is important for a minister not to ignore the early warning signs of a potential affair--for example, spending too much time with a person alone, especially if this happens outside of the parish office. It is my experience that if a minister is intentional about setting boundaries, potential affairs can be avoided. This may be difficult for clerics to do when they don’t take care of themselves, are stressed, overworked and are experiencing burnout--this too is a warning sign. Unfortunately, burnout is a common problem in the world of the clergy. Taking care of one’s health, having “down time” and setting time aside to be alone with God are all necessary things that too often become a luxury in the life of a cleric. As clergy, we need to take care of ourselves, stay in touch with what really matters to us. Violation of a sacred trust is the last thing we want. We need to take care of our own wellness for our own sake, but most especially for the sake of our potential victims.

THE REV. PETER D. HAYNES

St. Michael & All Angels Episcopal Parish Church, Corona del Mar

Deep connections between spirituality and sexuality make opportunities to confuse their expression in unwholesome ways a consistent challenge for religious people. A very wise mentor advised my seminary class in 1968 that there are only three basic guidelines for religious leadership: 1) Pray 20 minutes every day. 2) Don’t spit in public. 3) Never sit on a couch with a member of the opposite sex. In 2001, I am confident he would reword No. 3 to “. . . with anyone with whom ‘sexual misconduct’ might thought to be a possibility.” It’s a brief, but pointed, summary of the all-day workshop on recognizing and preventing sexual misconduct all Episcopal Church personnel are required to take.

RABBI JOEL LANDAU

Beth Jacob Congregation, Irvine

In the codes of Jewish law there is is an entire section dedicated to the laws of seclusion. These laws are meant to prevent men and women from entering into a potentially compromising situation. By following this code of conduct, having an affair becomes impossible. However, unless a person is seriously committed to a religious lifestyle that demands higher standards, no amount of rules and regulations will make a difference.

CURT WEBSTER

Director of Outreach,

St. Mark Presbyterian Church, Newport Beach

Aside from a faithful conviction that adultery is morally wrong and a firm grasp on their professional responsibilities, religious leaders need to focus on two important ideals: humility and self-awareness. In terms of humility, anyone in a position of pastoral leadership should always keep in mind that congregants project a great deal of power, authority and charisma upon their pastors (and not all of it necessarily reflects reality). The inevitable praise and flattery which comes to a pastor, if taken too seriously, can be the first step down the path toward an inappropriate relationship. In terms of self-awareness, pastors should always remember that ordination does not confer some sort of holy exemption from the normal temptations of humanity. To believe that “it can’t happen to me” can be a very dangerous self-delusion. Look in the mirror every morning and say, “Yes, it can happen to me, and I’m going to be on guard against it.” If temptation does take hold, find a counselor, a friend or somebody else you can trust and ask for help!

PASTOR KARL VATERS

Cornerstone Christian Fellowship, Fountain Valley

We can adjust behavior and deny urges, but adultery is not a sin of situation or sexuality, but selfishness. No one can stop a selfish heart, even a religious one, from straying. We need to love God and love our neighbor more than we love our churches, our causes or ourselves.

PASTOR STEVE PETTY

St. Andrew’s By-the-Sea United Methodist Church, San Clemente

There are two healthy responses we adopt with the news of Jesse Jackson’s infidelity and deceit. First we might remind ourselves that God chooses flawed individuals to lead his people all the time. Moses was a murderer on the run when God called him out of the burning bush. David was an adulterer, who used his influence to kill his mistress’ husband, and God still loved him. Just because Rev. Jackson is shown to be human does not make him an inappropriate instrument to lead. Secondly it reminds us of the importance of doing the routine maintenance on our primary relationships. Clergy are easy targets for people who are needy and confuse sexual intimacy with divine worthiness. When clergy are tired and overworked (virtually all clergy most of the time) or in times of personal insecurity, they will be more susceptible to amorous advances. Therefore it is very important that clergy maintain the same healthy habits we encourage in our church members: Practice good physical, mental and spiritual disciplines, and work hard on the maintenance of our primary relationships with God, spouse and family.

SENIOR PASTOR DAVE BECKWITH

Woodbridge Community Church, Irvine

Anyone, regardless of their maturity, is vulnerable. The key is to practice safeguards in advance, including: 1) Do not visit a member of the opposite sex alone in their home. 2) Do not eat out with or travel alone with a member of the opposite sex. 3) Do not counsel a member of the opposite sex alone in the office.

If you have an issue you’d like Questions of Faith to explore or would like to participate, please fax us at (714) 966-7711 or e-mail us at ocreligion@latimes.com.