Getting Hooked on TV Court Shows

I’ve never been to law school, and I’m no legal expert. But I have been sitting on the bench--actually, my couch--for much of the past year watching “Judge Judy,” “Judge Joe Brown,” “Judge Mathis,” “The People’s Court,” “Moral Court” and just about every other syndicated TV court show. And after seeing and hearing hundreds of real-life cases, I’ve reached a few decisions about the genre, and even passed judgment on myself.

In fact, I’m fairly certain that’s what got me hooked in the first place.

I can relate.

Although some of the litigants who appear on TV’s small claims court shows aren’t more than a step or two higher on the evolutionary ladder than their belligerently dysfunctional counterparts on “Jerry Springer,” most of the people duking it out in front of TV’s justice league say and do things that I have said and done; are involved in squabbles and emotional scrapes I’ve been through; and, as I have been at times, are quite sure they are right when they are wrong.

It caught me by surprise. It’s not as if TV court shows are new, although they have flourished in the years since Joseph A. Wapner, a retired judge of the California Superior Court, first laid down the law on “The People’s Court” in 1981.

But it was that uncomfortable ring of truth and the characteristically devastating and dismissive one-liners coming from people such as Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, that kept me coming back.

“Madam, stop being a baby!” she told one woman not long ago who, naturally, got what was coming to her. “You’re a liar. Oh, you’re a liar,” she assured another litigant who made the mistake, as do so many others, of making up things to fit their case. “Get over it!” she’ll shout at so many of the people who stand before her, who can’t let go.

Although Judge Judy is by far the most entertaining of the court TV judges, and that’s my verdict, most of these programs and their impressively robed stars are operating on much the same level in both quality and approach. That’s something that can’t be said of talk shows, where there is a huge difference between Springer and, love her or hate her, the best in the business, Oprah Winfrey.

Whether it’s a “Judge” show or a “Court” show, it all starts with the cases.

And, with the exception of “Moral Court,” which takes a more philosophical approach, the disputes tend to fall into several broad small-claims and family court categories.

Broken Hearts and Broken Promises: A preponderance of people who show up were once married, romantically involved or very interested. In some instances, the relationships were short-term. “We fell in love very quickly,” the man or the woman will admit (often under pressure), and money, goods, services--you name it--were proffered but never returned. One side says it was a loan; the other side says it wasn’t. Stereos, phone bills, leather jackets and all sorts of items are up for grabs. (By comparison, on “Moral Court,” a wife brought her husband in on charges of pawning his wedding ring to buy a DVD player. But the case was dismissed when it was revealed that the wife had obtained the evidence while rifling through her husband’s wallet.)

The Trips to Nowhere: These cases are often a subsection of broken hearts and broken promises but frequently involve friends and former friends who made big plans, charged it on one person’s credit card and either bailed out, were freaked out (by the realization that one or the other party wanted to be “more than just friends”) or never intended to pay in the first place.

Lousy Landlords, Ridiculous Tenants, Nasty Neighbors: An overhanging branch, too much noise, or wild and crazy goings-on can incite all involved to riotous levels of confrontation. It can be a split decision, such as the “Judge Judy” case where a tenant thought he temporarily owned the property he rented (he didn’t) and therefore felt his crotchety old landlady had no right to destroy a tree he had planted (she did). But the landlady, who incurred Sheindlin’s wrath by playing it a little too deaf and dumb, was told in no uncertain terms that she owed her former tenant his security deposit.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow: There are a surprising number of people who go to court because someone managed to burn the hair right off of his head by using the wrong kind of chemicals.

He Said, She Said and Nasty Rumors: Often when a TV judge scratches just slightly beneath the surface, the real case emerges. It’s not about the money, the trip, the yard; it’s about getting even. And people will say just about anything--justly or unjustly--to get back. Charges of drug addiction, founded and unfounded, infidelity and perversion find their way into a lot of the testimonies. Sometimes it’s relevant. Often it’s not. When one man accused his former San Francisco roommate of being an old “leather queen” who sexually hounded both the man and his dog, Judge Greg Mathis could only reply, “Lord have mercy!”

I’d like to think I’ve never been as stubborn, unreasonable, foolish or deluded as the people I see on court TV. (By the way, I never watch cable’s Court TV channel, which might seem odd, but isn’t, considering the more colorful if banal cases in syndication.) But I know I have been. I’ve had to fight to get my security deposit back. I’ve been mighty steamed over possessions that ended up in the hands of someone I once loved. My neighbors and their dogs have driven me to distraction.

But I’ve learned a few lessons--another major difference between talk shows and court shows

because on court TV there’s actual resolution instead of endless debate or, worse, a down-and-dirty free-for-all.

They are all fairly basic. For example: Whatever agreement you make, if it involves money or something of value, get it on paper. Never lend or borrow money from a friend. Don’t get too attached to your possessions because someday you might lose them. And if you go to court, bring your paperwork, don’t cop an attitude with the judge, and don’t bring anyone along as a “character witness” if that person has no knowledge or connection to your case.

And if things don’t go your way, you can, to quote Judge Judy again, get over it.