LAUGH LINES

Sold! “According to the Commerce Department, our trade deficit is at an all-time high. . . . We’re buying way more farm products than [other countries] are buying American. . . . In fact, if it weren’t for that [alleged] spy Robert Philip Hanssen, we wouldn’t have sold any American stuff to Russia last year.” (Jay Leno)

Upcoming Attractions: “[In Manhattan,] ticket prices [at some theaters] will climb to $10 each. . . . But remember--you get a lot more than just a movie for that price. At each seat, there’s a warm, half-finished root beer, there’s chewing gum stuck to the bottom of the seat, and there’s something gooey waiting for you on each armrest.” (Jerry Perisho)

Oh, Honestly: “Roger Clinton said . . . he attempted to get pardons for six of his friends. He said he helped them get lawyers, fill out the paperwork and do everything honestly and legitimately. So they never had a chance.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Tip-Off: “An FBI agent has been caught [allegedly] selling national security secrets to the Russians for hundreds of thousands of dollars. FBI officials became suspicious of him when they noticed he had enough money to fill his gas tank and buy a mocha latte at Starbucks on the same day.” (Phil Perrier)

*

Send jokes to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, SoCal Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.