LAUGH LINES

See No Evil: “Cable News Network cut jobs due to plummeting TV ratings. American viewers prefer sex, greed and crime stories. . . . Watching the news is no fun ever since George W. Bush restored honor and dignity to the White House.” (Argus Hamilton)

Two of a Kind: “Those who have seen Michael Jackson recently swear that he is beginning to bear a striking resemblance to his close friend Elizabeth Taylor. So much so, in fact, that he had to turn down two dinner date requests from Larry Fortensky.” (Ira Lawson)

Drive It Home: “A national study shows that most aggressive drivers are in the suburbs. . . . Yeah, and the rest are in the back seat.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Surviving Divorce: “ ‘Survivor’ host Jeff Probst is getting a divorce. . . . After going through a divorce, he’s really going to know what it’s like to be stranded on an island with no clothes, no car, no food, no money. Talk about ‘Survivor!’ ” (Jay Leno)

The Reel Thing: “ ‘The Sopranos,’ which began its third season recently on HBO, is about a New Jersey Mafia boss and his family. It’s packed with extortion, adultery, nudity and federal surveillance. It’s the next best thing to a Clinton third term.” (Hamilton)

*

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.