SEVEN DAYS OF SPAM

In a single week, fabulous treasures were mine for the asking.

Great wealth. University degrees. A hunky body. Pristine credit. Bigger breasts. Snoreless nights. Enhanced sexual endowment. Sure-fire stock tips. And a potion to make me irresistible to both men and women.

In other words, I got a week’s worth of spam, the unsolicited junk e-mail that clogs inboxes with incredible bargains, miracle cures and unbelievable schemes. In a single seven-day period, a total of 107 spams found their way into my three e-mail inboxes. Most Internet users don’t get quite that many, but longtime participation in message groups, numerous online purchases and a wide array of e-mail contacts has made me an easy target for those who harness huge volumes of electronic addresses for commercial purposes.

The sheer volume of spam sent out over the Internet is overwhelming. A recent study by the European Union Commission determined that so much junk e-mail travels through the world’s wires that it eats up an estimated $9.5 billion a year in connection costs.

The term “spam” derives from a Monty Python skit in which a restaurant serves nothing but dishes loaded with Hormel’s much-maligned luncheon meat. As a customer struggles to order a meal without Spam, a chorus of Vikings breaks into a repetitive song of “Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,” which drowns out every other conversation in the restaurant.

Indeed, spam has become so ubiquitous and despised that many people don’t even bother to open it.

But I did.

Some hawked mundane products, such as out-of-date software programs, golf balls and pagers. But the vast majority offered either get-rich-quick schemes or sexual fulfillment. All I had to do was follow directions. And pay fees, of course--ranging from about $30 to $2,000.

I answered many of the spams, receiving in return sales pitches via telephone, CD-ROM, video cassette, streaming audio and more e-mail.

In the end I did not get rich. I still work here.

Here’s how things shook out.

Diplomas

“Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power and the admiration of all,” read the e-mail that offered a university diploma in the field of my choice without my ever stepping into a classroom or taking a test.

I called the number on the e-mail and it was returned by Danny Ramalotti, who said he was calling from Glencullen University in Dublin, Ireland. “We give you full credit for your knowledge and life experience,” he explained. “You can have either a bachelor’s, a master’s, an MBA or even a PhD.”

But how do they judge my life experience and knowledge?

“We accept your word,” Ramalotti said.

Where was this guy when I was 18?

All it would cost--including a cum laude if I “qualified”--was $1,900, and I would have the diploma in 10 business days. “If you went to Harvard, they would charge you $75,000 for the same thing,” Ramalotti said.

But at Harvard, you actually have to satisfy curriculum requirements before getting a degree, I said. Ramalotti sighed, taking pity on my naivete. “I have been in education for 40 years and I tell you, all the universities do this,” he said. “They just don’t talk about it.”

He provided a Glencullen Web address, which contained information about the school’s academics and pictures of students studying, going to campus sports events and generally aglow in an atmosphere of higher learning.

The only problem is that Glencullen does not exist.

“We went looking for the street address given on the site, but there is no such street in Dublin,” said Harry Browne, education supplement editor for the Irish Times newspaper. The paper did recent stories on phony Irish university degrees.

Other tip-offs: By law, there are only seven educational institutions in Ireland allowed to call themselves universities, and none are Glencullen. The site says students are covered by the national health plan, which does not exist in Ireland. Finally, “I’ve been on every campus on Ireland,” Browne said, “and I didn’t recognize this one.”

Credit Report

“A guaranteed way for legally getting an excellent credit rating almost instantly!”

Forget to pay your mortgage the last few months? Get the phone turned off? Declare bankruptcy? No problem. This “five step” program not only erases bad citations from a credit report, it adds “unlimited positive information.” All for $29.95, payable to American Financial Services in Beverly Hills.

AFS arranges for you to get a nine-digit employee identification number, or EIN, that you then use on credit applications and other documents instead of a social security number. Additionally, a new credit report is created.

“It is clearly against the law, clearly fraud,” said Herschel Elkins, head of the consumer law section for the California attorney general. “It’s dangerous to use that technique because you can get yourself in a lot of trouble. You can go to jail.

“This is a case of crooks selling to crooks.”

In 1999, the Federal Trade Commission issued a consumer warning that obtaining EINs--which are normally used by employers to report financial information to the Internal Revenue Service--under false pretenses is a federal crime.

AFS has been banned from doing business in several states, including California, where a judgment was obtained against the group in 1999. The principals of the company were each ordered to pay $1 million, but none of that was ever collected.

“They just went underground, again,” said Jill Armour, a deputy attorney general who prosecuted the case.

Spy Software

“The software they wanted banned in all 50 states!”

The hidden power of the Internet is supposedly unleashed with this software, which allows you to “trace anyone by Social Security number,” get a person’s college records and the stalker’s special: “Get anyone’s name and address with just a license plate number. Find that girl you met in traffic.”

Luckily for anyone who cares about privacy, the $15.95 software and a similar $25 downloadable product deliver on few of their promises. The Social Security and license plate links go to a paid site that requires a $250 sign-up fee before providing more information. The only college information included a Notre Dame student telephone directory that could not be accessed.

Indeed, numerous sites linked to the software were no longer working or sorely out of date. Maybe the true reason this software was “banned” was because it’s a rip-off.

Judgment Course

“Thank you for your interest in our training course!”

I had not expressed interest, but no matter, this group was offering to teach me how to collect judicial judgments won in civil court cases. The e-mail explained that in many cases, these judgments are difficult to collect. The training shows you how to become a sort of bounty hunter and collect a percentage of the money owed.

This kind of work is not illegal. “There are large, sophisticated companies in the business of collecting judgments,” said Elkins of the state attorney general’s office. “But it’s difficult work and can be expensive. Locating the person who owes the money is often not easy and might involve travel. Then you might have to sue them, and that would mean hiring a lawyer. It’s probably not a viable business for a lot of people.”

But teaching people how to do it can be. The cost of the course: $259.

Income Opportunities

“Am I too late to cash in on the multimillion-dollar industry of the Internet explosion? The answer is NO.”

“You can retire quickly!”

“Yes, you could be a millionaire!”

The vast majority of get-rich-quick spams I received invited me to become involved in multilevel marketing--also known as network marketing--ventures. For a fee, you could join a company and then make money two ways--by selling a product and by bringing aboard more fee-paying sellers.

You get a cut of all the sales and fees generated by not only the sellers you bring in but also the sellers they recruit and so on.

MLMs are legal--the best-known example of a legitimate company using this structure is Amway Corp., manufacturer and distributor of cleaning products.

But a venture disguised as an MLM also could be one of the most timeworn of scams, the pyramid scheme.

“A pyramid scheme is essentially a closed system where each person enters with the hope of making more money than they put in,” said James Kohm of the Federal Trade Commission’s consumer protection bureau. “But without enough significant retail sales to people outside the pyramid, that’s not possible.”

A pyramid will earn profits only for those at or near the top of the structure. “Everyone else would have lost all or most of their initial investment,” Kohm said.

Complicating the matter is the emotional tone of the pitch delivered by some MLMs. “They tell you that you can make an incredible amount of money if only you work hard enough,” Elkins said. “So, when some people don’t make money or lose what they put in, they blame themselves and that’s the end of it.”

The best advice from the FTC and other watchdog groups is to investigate a company carefully before getting involved. Some of those that sent e-mail solicitations during the target week:

* Institute of Global Prosperity. Brian, who returned my call to a toll-free number, said that joining IGP would give me access to information “the state and federal governments don’t want you to know.” This information brings him $2,000 to $5,000 a week in income that is “judge proof, divorce proof and lien proof.”

The next step was a one-hour conference call--which resembled a revival meeting, complete with IGP veterans “stepping forward” to tell their success stories--that made it clear that IGP was in the business of presenting information concerning offshore investments. It also supposedly had devised methods to “legally” avoid income taxes.

The cost of admission--$1,250 for a 12-hour audio course. That and much more would come back to us if we got involved in selling the courses.

The tone of the call was unrelentingly upbeat except when a probing question was asked about how the system could possibly work or be legal. Then came an accusatory, “What exactly is your question?” from call leader Brett.

Government questions may be more difficult to avoid.

“In the largest Internal Revenue Service enforcement action ever taken,” began a March IRS statement, three dozen search warrants were executed and four people arrested in connection with a probe into alleged illegal offshore investment programs. IGP was specifically mentioned in the statement.

In separate actions, IGP has been banned from doing business in Michigan and South Dakota and was issued a warning by Oregon officials, according to the Better Business Bureau, which has given the group an “unsatisfactory” rating.

* Internet Marketing Group. I called the 800 number on this e-mail and found myself plunged into a recorded sea of true believers. Becky cleared $13,000 last month, Brad bought a million-dollar house and George reached his goal of making $7,000 a month “within two years of getting out of prison.”

How did they do it? This program was so good that a fee had to be charged just for more information. “This eliminates the people who are not serious,” said the announcer, assuring me that selling information on the program was not the way the group makes its money. I would get a video, audio tape and printed materials, all for $44.95.

The video contained more testimonials, including one from company leader Leah in her dream house. (Unfortunately, it seems she didn’t have enough money left over for a good decorator.) The audio and booklets had more of the same. There was still no clue to the nature of the product, but I was contacted by my “personal coach,” named Moe Mohamed.

That call led to another taped message, which in turn took me to three Web sites. They contained pep talks, in text and animation, on the glories of network marketing.

But I still didn’t know anything about the product.

* Pre-Paid Legal Services. Listed on the New York Stock Exchange, this company sells annual policies to give buyers certain legal services, including the making of a will, advice on criminal situations and the writing of letters from a legal representative. The cost of these policies vary by state, but in California it’s $26 a year.

The e-mail I received was not to sell me a policy but to invite me to become a sales associate as part of an MLM network. The cost: $249 plus the price of a policy.

“Give yourself an opportunity to really change your life,” said the pitch, delivered via a CD-ROM.

Pre-Paid is one of the rare publicly traded companies that has an MLM component. According to its annual report, its net income for 2000 was $43.6 million.

Gambling

“Win! Win! Win!”

Several online casinos, all of whose sites were registered in foreign countries (Nassau seems especially popular), offered to allow me to play blackjack, roulette and slot machines for real money. I had to deposit a sum with them first.

The laws on this matter are a bit murky, but federal and state officials say that in the majority of cases, online gambling is illegal. “There is a sort of patchwork of federal laws that cover this area,” said Christopher Painter of the Department of Justice’s computer crimes section. Few prosecutions have been attempted, he said.

“The biggest gamble of all is that these things are completely fake,” Painter said. “The player has no real idea.”

One of the most bizarre e-mail invitations came from Lotto 21, a group that wanted me to pay $120 a month. That money would supposedly be pooled with funds similarly collected from people around the world and then placed on the German Lotto. The site even offers an MLM opportunity, stating, “Now you can become an agent for the German Lotto!”

Think of what Mel Brooks could do with that line.

Weight Loss

“My life was going from the bed to the sofa and from the sofa to the refrigerator.”

Betty sent me her moving story of how, at 282 pounds, she felt worthless and no longer able to take care of her children. But through the miracle of an over-the-counter supplement, Berry Trim Plus, she lost 126 pounds in six months.

My tears were barely dry when, two days later, I got a note from Wendy.

“My life was going from the bed to the sofa and from the sofa to the refrigerator.”

Betty’s and Wendy’s stories were exactly the same, word for word.

If this did not shake my faith in Berry Trim Plus, nutritionist Ellen Coleman of Riverside delivered the death blow. “Not one of the ingredients has ever been proven to be effective in weight loss,” said Coleman, a board member of the National Council Against Health Fraud.

On a forum at https://www.womensforum.com, the overwhelming majority of people who tried Berry Trim Plus said it had little or no effect. But one woman tried to see the bright side. “This did not work, but it was full of fiber and I was very regular!”

Sex

“I am only doing this to raise a specific amount of money and then I will quit.”

The e-mail came from a college student named Tera who said she needed money to stay in school and pursue her degree in biotechnology. She was therefore selling nude videos of herself.

Boy, did she get a wrong e-mail address. As a gay guy, I’m not much of a potential customer.

The volume of sex-related e-mails I received was second only to those promising riches. Several offered pornography, but there also were products including a “sexually stimulating fragrance oil” described as a human pheromone.

Coleman didn’t think much of it.

“This came from a craze a few years ago when it was found that insect pheromones might play a role in attraction. But insects have a completely different physiology than humans. There is no evidence this works in human beings, unfortunately.”

She also turned thumbs down on Viacreme, promoted as “Viagra’s counterpart” for women. It comes in a nonprescription, creme form. “It produces nitric oxide, which is important for guys. It helps in stimulating penile erection. But that doesn’t do anything for women.”

Perhaps the most curious was the site promoting a program that would bring about a 2- to 6-inch growth in sexual endowment. “No pumps, pills or weights are used,” it said. “The only tool--your hand.”

Oh. With that, it was back to deleting junk mail without reading it. A week was plenty.

*

Times staff writer David Colker covers personal technology.

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What Popped Up Each Day

If only the promises were true. A week’s worth of junk e-mail made some pretty tempting offers: 1. Click your way to fabulous wealth!

2. Get a doctorate in only 10 days!

3. Women/men won’t be able to resist you!

4. Win big in the German Lotto!

5. Forget diets, just drop a berry pill!

6. Erase everything bad on your credit report!

7. Gamble on a tropical island without leaving home!