Paper or Plastic? Kings Are Left Holding the Bag

I met Gregg Haina at a Ralphs in Placentia Wednesday night. He was a Kings’ fan. It was obvious. I mean if he had caught me in the express line with more than eight items, I have my concerns whether I would have been checked.

Haina had a friend with him, which is very unusual for a hockey fan. A spokesman for Ralphs said it was the first time anyone could positively say that two hockey fans had ever been in the same Placentia supermarket at the same time. But that’s how big the Kings have gotten.

Haina said he had named his son Luc after Robitaille, his favorite Kings’ player. His wife provided the kid’s middle name of Joseph after Toronto goalie Curtis Joseph. I’m happy to report they have only one child.

Haina acknowledged he had bought his boy a hockey stick before purchasing a baseball glove. He knows he might have to move to Toronto one day.

Three weeks ago I would have turned him into the authorities, but now I was stocking up on Eskimo Pies, listening to Barry Melrose like I could understand what he was saying and packing a victory treat for Ziggy my cat.

“I thought Felix was the cat,” said another shopper, and yes, almost everyone has Kings’ fever. My older daughter doesn’t know how lucky she is that she was born 24 years earlier or today she might be Ziggy Jozef, my baby daughter.

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I TRIED TO time it so I wouldn’t have to watch any of that Fox Southern California Sports Report nonsense before the game, which meant switching back and forth to ESPN until I could be sure I got only Bob Miller and Jim Fox.

When Miller says “Philippe Boucher,” it’s like Bruce Springsteen singing, “Born in the USA.” It sticks with you until you find yourself saying it out loud--over and over like Miller. My wife says I was saying it in my sleep the other night. Between you and me, that’s why I’ve asked Miller never to mention Salma Hayek’s name on the air.

By the way, if Fox wants to tone down its clown act on the Sports Report, they ought to talk Fox into bringing his credibility into the studio as an anchor.

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THE GAME IS about to begin. Shaquille O’Neal opens the broadcast by telling Colorado it’s going to lose. Of course, this is the same guy who said he slept with Cindy Crawford, Venus Williams and Aaliyah, so they’re going to figure he’s lying.

There’s a graphic that tells me King goalie Felix Potvin is 7-5 in the playoffs and is giving up only 2.31 goals. That’s good. Then they show Colorado’s goalie and he’s 7-3 and giving up 1.69 goals. That’s better.

I open my first Eskimo Pie and inform my wife we will not be watching Hollywood Squares tonight. She mentions something about our streak being broken, but the puck is dropped in Colorado and I’m ready in Placentia.

Unfortunately, the Kings aren’t. The Avalanche is taking it to them, and while I’m not the type of person to jump on Coach Andy Murray, did the hockey puck forget to come up with one of those Punch Imlach pregame talks? They’re hockey players. You tell them there’s no tomorrow, most of them are going to buy it.

Colorado gets called for a penalty and I open another Eskimo Pie, but the Kings don’t get a scoring chance. Steve Kelly clips an Avalanche player to give Colorado the man advantage and Rob Blake lifts the puck into the net. I start booing until I realize Bill Plaschke would be upset.

The first period ends with Colorado ahead, 1-0. Miller and Fox remain cool, however, so I’m not concerned, although I’m fearful they will make a sudden switch to the Sports Report before I can run out of the room.

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THE SECOND PERIOD is more of the same until there’s 1:30 remaining and Nelson Emerson winds up to take a shot. I know he plays for the Kings because he’s wearing one of their jerseys. Colorado defender Adam Foote has a chance to take one for the team and have his head knocked off. But he cowers and the puck whistles over his head, catching Patrick Roy by surprise and it’s 1-1.

After watching a commercial with some slobs trying to eat a Carl’s Jr. hamburger time and time again, I’m looking forward to the Sports Report. I would imagine there aren’t many advertisers willing to take the risk of having their product linked to the Sports Report, which explains why we have to watch the slobs over and over again.

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IF YOU TOLD the Kings weeks ago they would be 1-1 entering the third period in a seventh game against Colorado, they’d have given you a sweater as one of their own. I think I wrote that several weeks ago, but an editor must have taken it out.

I figure I’ll join the Kings in St. Louis for the next series. Maybe Georgia Frontiere will pick me up at the airport.

Colorado’s Chris Drury has scored early in the third period and Ville Nieminen follows with a goal for a 3-1 lead. The wife wants to know if she can eat the rest of the Eskimo Pies. Shjon Podein adds another goal. The wife wants to know if the treat for the cat is just for cats. The guy on the Sports Report has just come on to say, “It’s all or nothing tonight,” like the Sports Report was breaking its first story of the year. I hope no one burst his bubble and told him it’s 4-1 with less than six minutes to play. Milan Hejduk has just hit the open net for Colorado.

I missed Hollywood Squares for this.

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ON MARCH 21, 1993, Jim Murray wrote a column about horse trainer Bobby Frankel, finishing with a classic Murray line: “He made more money on horses than John Wayne.”

Sounds to me like a good wagering tip for Saturday’s Jim Murray Memorial Handicap at Hollywood Park--Frankel is expected to send out Indigo Myth for the 1 1/2-mile turf contest and has already won five of the previous Murray races.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Duran:

“I must be an extremely twisted individual because I love your column and get all your jokes.”

Kevin Malone will probably tell everyone we’re friends.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com