Obstacle to Buying Clothes: Shopping

I’m down to five stand-alone shirts, which you can take anywhere, and six restricted-duty shirts, which, because of stains, frays and button defections, can be worn only under sweaters.

So why don’t I just go out and buy some new shirts?

In a word, pins. The average new shirt comes with more pins than a bowling alley. And I have over the years developed this thing about taking all the pins out. It seems so pointless. I mean, what function do pins in new shirts even serve? Do they keep it from wrinkling? No. Do they prevent you from holding it up to see if it fits? Yes. Do they discourage gift givers from picking out patterns that leave you disoriented if you look at them without special glasses? I only wish.

Of course, once you start thinking about shirts and pins, the next thing you know, you’re obsessing about pants. I don’t have a lot of pants either.

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In fact, I find buying pants even more distasteful than taking out pins. The following statement is a proven scientific fact: All alike pants sizes are not alike.

You can take two pairs of 33x32 pants off a rack, and one pair will be so tight, you can hear your liver squealing, and the other will have enough room to accommodate both Gumbel brothers at the same time. Which means you always have to try pants on. Which means you need to go into the dressing room. Sometimes you can only take one pair at a time, which means you have to make about 30 freakin’ trips before you find that a pair marked 42x38 that fits your 33x32 frame perfectly.

Then there is the lingering psychological damage associated with prolonged exposure to a department-store dressing room.

I don’t know if it’s the lighting or what, but no one feels good about the body they see in a dressing-room mirror--except for maybe the security guards.

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The other thing I really hate about buying pants is the big tag they stick on the back--you know, the one with the wrong size. The problem with the tag is that when you rip it off, you end up with these four patches of white thread, which means you have to go out and buy a wide belt to cover them up. I don’t know, but it seems like the belt should come with the pants.

You know what I don’t mind shopping for? Shoes. I enjoy picking them out and lacing them up and walking around the store to see how they fit.

Another thing I like to do while test-driving a new pair of all-leather radials is thinking about other feet--petite feet, aromatic feet. But maybe we shouldn’t get into that.