Hard-Sell Operatics at the Met

Forget MTV.

How about HypeTV?

MTV has always been in a devil’s compact with the record industry, exchanging precious video exposure for the constant celebrity tie-ins that help build ratings.

But the cable channel’s crown jewel, the annual MTV Video Music Awards, once had style, imagination and wit.

No longer.

Thursday night’s nearly four-hour affair in New York City had the hard-sell approach of a pack of commission-only used-car dealers.

The tone was set in the pre-show telecast, where the hosts were so giddy over a parade of lightweight pop talents that they made Joan Rivers’ gushing red-carpet displays at the Oscars seem like Ted Koppel by comparison.

From the way they cackled uncontrollably over every guest, you’d think the hosts had each downed a case of Red Bull before the show.

Mick Jagger was so eager to plug his new solo album to the young MTV audience that the former bad boy of rock, 58, risked looking like Britney Spears’ grandfather in a joint interview. Trying to establish a bond with the MTV crowd, the craggy-faced veteran even boasted that he teams up on the new album with Bono, Wyclef Jean and Rob Thomas.

A Rolling Stone leaning on Rob Thomas for credibility?

What’s next, Keith Richards as a chaperon on “The Real World”?

Once the formal awards telecast got underway, the hard sell was so apparent that everyone roared when the wonderfully eccentric Macy Gray ended all the pretense that the show was about anything other than self-promotion.

Stepping to the podium to present an award, the singer sported a dress that turned her into a human billboard that read: “My New Album Drops Sept. 18, 2001.”

After giving everyone time to read it, she turned her back to the audience, revealing another message about the album: “Buy It!”

That opened the floodgates.

“Before we set this off,” rapper Busta Rhymes said as he prepared to present an award, “I just want to say Busta Rhymes’ new album will be in stores Nov. 13.”

Not wanting to be shut out, his co-presenter, singer Shakira, added, “I have to promote mine, too.... “

Not to be outdone, Jay-Z’s performance on the plaza outside the Metropolitan Opera House had audience members holding up neatly printed signs--apparently distributed by his record company--touting the rapper’s forthcoming album and its release date.

Maybe the mercenary feel of the show wouldn’t have been so annoying if the self-promotion were accompanied by moments of genuine inspiration.

The previous 17 editions of the MTV Video Music Awards included some classic opening moments, including a rare public appearance and kiss by the then-married Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley in 1994. But Thursday’s telecast was virtually dead on arrival. The punchless opening skit, a hip-hop takeoff on the show’s high-culture setting, was so lame that it may go down in awards show history alongside David Letterman’s infamous “Uma-Oprah” monologue during the 1995 Oscars.

Things quickly got worse for host Jamie Foxx. Hoping to match the stinging irreverence of Chris Rock’s barbs during the 1995 video awards, the comedian drew groans from the audience with a clumsy reference to the emotional problems that have caused Mariah Carey to seek medical attention in recent weeks.

To compound things, he then made light of Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean’s struggle with alcohol abuse. As McLean walked offstage after announcing proudly that he had been sober for 64 days, Foxx offered him what appeared to be a bottle of champagne.

Make fun of the Backstreet Boys’ music (please!), but don’t crack unfunny jokes at the expense of someone’s personal turmoil. As the audience gasped, Foxx quickly pointed out that it was only apple cider in the bottle--but he was too late to erase the bitter taste. The incident seemed to unnerve Foxx, who appeared restrained the rest of the evening.

There were bright spots in the show--including the performances by R&B-pop; newcomer Alicia Keys and the rock groups Staind and U2.

It’s naive to think that these acts weren’t on hand for the same promotional reasons as everyone else, but they played music without compromise or condescension. By doing so, they lifted the evening to their level rather than engaging in the commercial groveling.

U2, which was honored for its body of video work, even showed some heart by paying tribute to the Ramones’ singer Joey Ramone, who died this year, and bringing out members of the influential punk-rock band for a bow.

Another genuine moment was a brief spoken tribute to Aaliyah, the 22-year-old singer-actress who was killed Aug. 25 in a plane crash in the Bahamas.

“I think what we’ve got to learn out of this is to appreciate each other while we’re here on earth,” said singer Missy Elliott, who was joined by Janet Jackson, Aaliyah’s brother Rashad Haughton and others. “I love you, Aaliyah, and you’re forever missed.”

The much ballyhooed “surprise” of the evening was Michael Jackson’s joining ‘N Sync for a minute-long dance solo at the end of the group’s rendition of “Pop.” He looked trim and the steps were snappy, but the moment was unremarkable and flat. If it had been any other Jackson (except maybe the Rev. Jesse), no one would have even noticed him.

That, however, didn’t keep the hosts on the channel’s post-show program from raving about it as some sort of landmark moment in television history. “The hair on my arm was actually standing up,” one proclaimed.

They may have gotten around to mentioning that the tender tribute to Aaliyah was also special, but I didn’t stick around for it.

Enough HypeTV for one evening, thank you.