Oxymorons: ‘Jumbo Shrimp,’ ‘Chargers Win’

I called the Dodgers Monday, concerned our heroes might get caught in the parade traffic down in Yahooville to celebrate the Chargers’ undefeated season, but a spokesman said the team would leave today for San Diego to play the Padres.

By now Charger fans have called New Orleans for hotel rooms, while the team has reserved Pascale’s Manale’s for Super Bowl eve, a restaurant that specializes in shrimp, so quarterback Doug Flutie will feel comfortable.

The Chargers have beaten the mighty Washington Redskins, who had Venus de Milo playing quarterback, as San Diego broadcasting wit Ted Leitner called quarterback Jeff George, and next up is the ’72 Miami Dolphins’ record of 17-0.

Now usually there’s nothing more invisible than a Charger fan when the team is losing--the city of San Diego dipping into the general tax fund for $10.2 million to buy unsold tickets to the past 10 home games--and nothing more insufferable than Charger fans when they’re lucky enough to win.

Last year they did that once, and e-mailed to say so.

But through it all, win or lose, you could always count on Leitner, my glib San Diego icon idol, to keep things in perspective--until Monday, when he was telling me the Chargers get Denver at home on Oct. 21, sounding like a converted yahoo already plotting the team’s playoff path.

I guess when it comes to consistency on the airwaves in San Diego from now on, I can only count on Lee Hamilton, and his misguided opinions.

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EVERYTHING IS going according to plan for the ripoff-minded Chargers. They want a new luxury-box playpen and they want the citizens of San Diego to help pay for it, but they need to win and be loved by the locals to put any teeth into their 2003 escape clause from Qualcomm Stadium.

Obviously, they need the quick fix, which explains why they wanted no part of quarterback Michael Vick and the extended painful training period that would have come with such a selection. I refer you to Ryan Leaf’s run in San Diego.

The Chargers hired John Butler to play GM, an ex-Marine with a death-grip handshake to intimidate agents, players and reporters, who was also armed with a resume of success in Buffalo. Butler brought with him credibility, and most of the players that wanted out of Buffalo, which was better than anything San Diego had.

Now remember how successful the San Diego Chicken was for the Padres? Well, the first thing Butler did was hire a team mascot, bringing in Flutie, the most cuddly of quarterbacks, to replace Leaf, the most despised of quarterbacks.

Yahoo Leitner: “Flutie is one heck of a little guy, he really is. Having bigger 6-foot-5 guys, dead from the neck up, what a change. My son, we’ve been to hell with Ryan Leaf. Flutie took Bruce Smith out in this last game. Great stuff. He cut him, knocked him out of the play. You should have seen it.”

Instead of listening to Leitner gush, I would have rather listened to Hamilton describing the play--wondering if he’d tell us the race of the tackler.

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THERE IS no question the Mission Bay Shrimp is at home in San Diego, the battling little pepperpot, playing for a team that has gone through the likes of Mark Malone, Babe Laufenberg and Billy Joe Tolliver since Dan Fouts retired.

Yahoo Leitner: “Hey, it’s like being in prison for a year, getting out and meeting an ugly girl. Are you going to turn her down?”

For the record, I doctored the previous quote to keep Leitner on the air and my name above this column, but in his own way Leitner said there is a sense of “euphoria” in the city now that the Chargers have a one-game winning streak.

Yahoo Leitner: “Doing play-by-play [of the Chargers’ 30-3 win over Washington] was the most fun you can have with your clothes on.”

I remember when Hamilton was the voice of the Chargers, and he never seemed to be having that much fun. But then I never peeked into the booth to see if he was dressed, which might have provided the answer to the discomfort in his voice.

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I’M BECOMING more of a Charger fan. The more these guys win, the less chance this organization will threaten to come to Los Angeles, because success will have the adoring citizens of San Diego buckling to whatever Charger ownership wants. And let me tell you, if you thought the Georgia Frontiere-and Al Davis-directed outfits were a little odd in the way they conducted business, they are the executives of the year compared to the Chargers’ Alex and Dean Spanos.

Yahoo Leitner: “The scenario now is probably impossible to get anything from the city. [Going to the Super Bowl] might make the difference, although I’m not sure that would be enough. These aren’t Cub fans living here--the people here have brains. But half-full vs. half-empty, these people look at the glass as being half-full. You lose, though, they go to the beach.”

The Padres wanted a new stadium, knew they were in for a tough referendum fight, they went to the World Series, played the Yankees and won over the people of San Diego, who voted to use public funds to build them a new ballpark.

The last time the Chargers demanded stadium upgrades, they got the sold-out stadium guarantee that has cost San Diego so much money--after the team went to the Super Bowl. Winning now is all about power and leverage in the stadium game, and I certainly wish the folks in Yahooville a whole lot of success this season.

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NO SPORTS figure in my time has been more compelling to watch than Michael Jordan--save Tom Goodwin trying to get on base. For me, it’s not a matter of what he’s lost, but what I’ll gain in getting the chance to watch him again.

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I SUGGEST chucking Jim Tracy’s four-man rotation and starting Terry Adams for the Dodgers’ remaining 19 games.

By the way, I also like Chan Ho Park’s chances of hitting Barry Bonds more than Bonds’ chances of hitting one off Park.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Diane:

“Of course, Al Michaels shot a 79 at Bel-Air ... on the front nine.”

I guess you’ve seen him play, too.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.