Offering a Healthy Dose of the Best Medicine When Everyone Needs It Most

The other day, a Santa Barbara reader wrote me: “Don’t think I’m oblivious to all the current news. But amid all this tragedy, it is important that you try to cause a chuckle or smile.”

I hope to start doing so today with the resumption of this column.

Unclear on the concept: A motorist stopped for speeding claimed she was doing nothing of the kind, reports City News, Paramount’s official publication. The driver assured the officer that her car “thermometer” registered only 40.

No cold reception here: The Zamboni ice-resurfacer came in for some praise in a recent edition of Sports Illustrated, which gave it the title of the “most underrated” piece of equipment in sports.

The magazine rhapsodized of the machine, which is used in ice hockey arenas around the world: “Is anything more pleasing than its slow sweep, a machine two Buicks high making mesmerizing loops and leaving a bright shine wherever it passes?”

And smoothing out the ice so the games can go on.

The Zamboni was invented 52 years ago in the city of Paramount--you know, the city where some people think their speedometers are thermometers. (Maybe the ice machine’s fame has locals preoccupied with temperatures.)

Today’s model differs from the first creations, which were woodies and have a sort of retro charm (see photos).

And the catchy name? Well, it came naturally to the inventor, Frank Zamboni.

Zamboni (cont.): The gizmo’s fame was assured when the late Charles Schulz, a big hockey fan, began drawing it into his “Peanuts” comic strip.

In one memorable exchange, Charlie Brown asks Snoopy how his hockey practice went.

Responds the downcast hound: “I don’t think the coach likes me. . . . He told me to stand in front of the Zamboni.”

How’s that again? Tom Kehoe of Placentia came upon this collection of goofy signs compiled in the newest edition of the Old California Gazette in San Diego:

* In a shop window: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

* In a loan company office: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”

* In a maternity ward: “No children allowed.”

* At a restaurant: “Open seven days a week and weekends.”

* On a delicatessen wall: “Our best is none too good.”

* In a toy department: “Five Santa Clauses. No waiting.”

* Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”

Putting up some big numbers: The following courtroom excerpt from a juror-questioning period was reprinted in the magazine California Lawyer:

Judge: Thank you, sir. Juror No. 0539, could you start with question No. 2, please?

Juror: I live in Long Beach. I’m married. I have 16 children.

Judge: Excuse me. Stop. Did he say what I thought he said? Did you really say 16?

Juror: Yes.

Judge: OK. I assume you must have adopted at least half these kids.

Juror: No. No. . . .

Juror (answering next question): I’m an engineer. Electrical engineer. My wife is a--

Judge: A saint.

*

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., CA 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.