Dating games people play

It’s the reincarnation of a failed retro restaurant in Irvine, a stone’s throw from the John Wayne Airport. This time it’s called Oasis, and this time it’s got loads of decor on the walls by ultra-popular undersea artist Wyland: from paintings of whales floating in fantasy seas to pewter bas-reliefs that look like open-mouth portraits of “Flipper.”

But singles ages 25 to 35 are drawn here as if it’s the coolest place on the planet. They’re standing in line to register for “Pre-Dating,” also known as speed dating, and they’ve each paid $28 for that privilege.

In a whirlwind roundelay, hopeful young men and women spend five minutes talking one on one before the bell rings and they’re on to the next table. They fill out a sheet marking each person they’ve met as a “yes,” “no” or as having possible “friend/business” potential.

Only when two people choose one another will contact info be exchanged ... meaning the possibility for heart-wrenching rejection looms as large as at a junior high dance.

“I don’t know that it works,” said Rob Lile, 35, of La Palma, a chemist with a nervous grin. This was his second rapid-dating experience. “The first was interesting. I saw a woman who I had dated earlier in the year. She saw me and was more uncomfortable than I was. At the end when the bell rang I said, ‘Are you gonna mark me down?’ And she said, ‘Well, that’s a personal question!’ I think the concept is great, but for me, it just hasn’t worked out yet.”

Why do they do it? Because when it comes to first dates, most everyone is as vulnerable as a character in a Matt Groening cartoon. Your date says something innocuous like, “You look nice.” You immediately fast forward to a stream-of-consciousness fiesta of negativity, “Am I too fat/skinny in this outfit? Do I smell? What does that mean, nice? Oh, God, why am I here?”

Human beings dread first dates.

Worse than a job interview. Like a day in court. Too much pressure to maintain eye contact. All are descriptions of close encounters of the first-date kind given by those interviewed for this story.

Even in these days of high-speed communications through the cell phone and the Internet, getting to know someone romantically remains a challenge, especially in Southern California. Guys and dolls are often separated by vast geographical expanses. Mr. Pasadena might have an incurable crush on Miss Laguna Beach, but how will they get together, especially for a dinner date during rush hour?

Several of those interviewed for this story said that after graduating from high school or college, meeting members of the opposite sex becomes more difficult. There is less time for socializing and you can’t always count on meeting at work. If you’re employed by a high-tech firm, co-workers are mostly men. The opposite is true for women who work in a bank.

Those who count on friends or family members to set them up should know the cold, hard national statistics. Compare the success rate of liking someone introduced to you by a friend -- 17% -- to liking someone introduced to you by a family member -- 12%.

The local chapter of a national dating service, It’s Just Lunch, reports that even with its help, only 30% of first dates lead to relationships of more than a few dates.

Say the connection is miraculously made and a blind date or first date is in full swing, what can go wrong will. Horror stories ranged from running into the woman’s ex-boyfriend, which ruined 45 minutes of the date, to a sad masquerade in which the woman described herself as a Jodie Foster look-alike to a blind date who contended he resembled John F. Kennedy Jr. “He did look like a Kennedy but the horsy side of the family,” said the woman, who ditched him at a club to join friends in a bar.

“I feel for the people who come on our show,” said Roger Lodge, host of “Blind Date,” a reality program that inserts a camera into the first dates of complete strangers. “Dating in the year 2002 is hard. And the old traditional places of meeting people -- in a bar or club -- nobody wants to do that anymore.”

First dates are excruciatingly awkward. That old-fashioned dinner at a fancy restaurant, with the man showing up at the door in a suit with an armful of flowers, is not the way to go. The more low-key the better, he says.

“I always recommend that a first date be during the day and just a quick cup of coffee or lunch. You don’t have to give up the entire evening, and if it’s not working you can politely say you have to be somewhere else. The worst is to have an evening planned, and if it doesn’t work, it becomes treacherous.”

Sheila Dolan, one of five sisters who host the radio chat show “The Satellite Sisters” -- which will begin broadcasting in L.A. on the ABC Radio Network in January -- has first-date phobia.

“Just because I go out with men doesn’t necessarily mean I date,” she said. “My relationships are more like hostage situations. It’s like an all-out emotional takeover. Once I did have a first date, and halfway through the dinner I realized we were on a date and got completely uncomfortable. I wanted to pay and I wanted to set the tone, and he wouldn’t let me and then the bill somehow got lost. We sat there for half an hour not paying the bill.”

All kinds of weird things can happen on first dates. So it’s high time for an intelligent discourse on a topic that’s an emotional minefield. The discussion will cover a range of down-and-dirty subjects such as: Who pays? And should there be a kiss or even sex on the first date? Some general advice and practical tips on where to go on a first date will be included. Let the yakking begin.

Who should pay

The consensus among men we talked to is that, on the first date, he picks up the tab.

“The guy should pay,” said Raj Singh, 19, of Costa Mesa, a computer science sophomore at UC Irvine with long, raven hair tied up in a top knot. “That’s the way I was brought up.”

His friend Danish Ahmed, 19, of Santa Ana, a clean-cut Internet company worker with a serious manner, agrees. “I think on the first date the guy should pay. Even if a girl asks me out, I’ll pick her up and I’ll pay. That’s how it is. But when you’re boyfriend-girlfriend, then whoever.”

“I usually say I’ll pay,” said Seth Bouvier, 27, a UCLA neuroscience doctoral student who looks like Matthew Modine’s younger brother. “But if the person insists, I don’t really care,” he said.

What the guys need to know is that a lot of the women out there don’t like feeling “paid for.”

“I’m uncomfortable with it,” said Liz Dolan, another of the Satellite Sisters. “In the beginning, it should be very fifty-fifty, just to set the tone for the rest of the relationship. Starting out in an anachronistic situation doesn’t bode well for the future.”

Most of those interviewed thought it was fine for the man to offer to pay, but they also thought that he should listen to the woman if she wants to go Dutch. Plan beforehand so no one is uneasy on the big night.

Planning the date

We know who’s paying. Now there’s got to be a game plan. The burden is on the asker, who should definitely have some ideas. But the askee should offer input too.

“I’d ask her what she wants to do and tell her what I want to do. That way she feels more a part of it and not dominated,” Ahmed said.

“One person could pick the movie, the other person could pick a place to have dinner,” said Becky Vansickle, 19, of Valencia, a UCI environmental engineering sophomore with long brown hair and a feline quality reminiscent of Julie Newmar. “When you know what’s going on, you’re not going to be too anxious.”

Still, you could leave room for spontaneity. “If it’s going well, don’t be afraid to say, ‘Let’s go here,’ or if it’s not going well, then you can cut it short,” Bouvier said.

What to do?

The common goal of a first date is to break the ice, to get to know each other, to create the kind of atmosphere that sparks a friendship that could ignite into a wild romance.

Start slow, said most of those interviewed. No ocean kayaking or any other activity for which a woman has to wear a bathing suit, said the Satellite Sisters.

A picnic? Way too romantic, said the guys from UCLA.

Dancing was a great topic of discussion, with most of the women up for it and the men feeling indifferent or worse.

“Bad idea,” said Brian Jackson, 25, a baby-faced neuroscience doctoral student at UCLA.

“It sets you up for looking like a fool even if you can dance,” said John Ohab, 22, Jackson’s hyper-articulate classmate. “And also, how do you talk? It’s so loud -- hand signals or what? ‘Let’s go to a rave, take drugs and look at the flashing lights’? No.”

Even so, none of the women interviewed said she would judge a man by the way he danced. “I’m a big dancer,” said Lian Dolan, another of the Satellite Sisters. “I would rate a man’s willingness to dance as character-revealing. It’s will they dance, not if they’re good.”

Other dud dates? The mall. Too eighth grade.

A gallery opening or an art walk would be OK. But a visit to an art museum? No.

“It’s hard to stand around and talk about art and not sound pretentious,” said another Satellite Sister, Monica Dolan.

Going to a book or record store was another dud. “I don’t want to see what a guy reads right off the bat,” Sheila Dolan said.

“If he picks up the complete Andrea Bocelli collection, that is a tipoff,” Lian Dolan said.

Again, keeping things simple is key, most agreed.

Contestants on “Blind Date” have gone everywhere, from hiking to strip clubs, Lodge said. But the best dates include some physical activity.

“It’s a situation that seems to work best. They play tennis or go indoor rock climbing. It seems to ease the tension and gets them to loosen up quite a bit,” Lodge said.

It’s best if the activity isn’t competitive or strenuous. A walk in a tree-lined park, through a neighborhood filled with remarkable architecture or along a beach rated highly.

So did goofy retro sports like miniature golf and bowling.

“It’s good fun,” Lian Dolan said. “Both should be pretty bad at it. It’s a great equalizer.”

A caveat: Do not take your date bowling if you are practically a pro, Bouvier said. “If you bowl a 210 and have a hand brace and you’re bringing your own ball and shoes -- bad idea.”

Sporting events like baseball or basketball games were called good first dates because you can talk during the game.

It’s not a good date if you’re playing, though. “The worst first date is when the guy says, ‘Come watch me play softball,’ ” Liz Dolan said.

Going for coffee has more promise, she said. “It’s better than meeting for a drink because there’s no ‘are we having dinner or not?’ debate going on in your head. You’re in, you’re out. Nobody gets hurt.”

Just make sure your date drinks coffee.

“Otherwise it’s like dragging a vegetarian to the steakhouse. They would just sit there. Like, all pouty,” UCLA grad student Ohab said.

And, of course, this is America, so the movie date remains one of the most popular. But not by itself. Sitting quietly in a dark theater is the worst way to try to get to know someone. Movie dates should be combined with other activities like going out for dessert or taking a walk or a drive.

Be especially creative in picking the theater, Bouvier said.

“This is L.A. It’s a spectacle to go to a movie. There’s so many theaters and so much going on. Go to the Chinese or the Crest or the Cinerama Dome. Then it’s more of an event.”

Kiss?

The date is almost over and it went pretty well. Should there be a kiss? All those interviewed said it shouldn’t be a requirement, but some said it’s a great test of whether there’s chemistry. Guys shouldn’t feel any more pressured to try for a kiss than girls should feel they have to give in.

It should be natural, not forced, Lodge said.

“I hate to say this of my gender, but many times the guy doesn’t pay attention. If he had, he would have known going into the kiss that the girl didn’t want to give and he wouldn’t have had to look like a fool on national TV. Hey, guys, if the girl turns her head, don’t go in for a second one.”

Sex?

The date went really well. Should there be more than a kiss? The nearly unanimous decision was no. You should leave a little mystery. These days it’s a safety issue, and there are emotional reasons. But the dissenting voice had an interesting twist, indicating that the sexual revolution is not over.

“If you really like the person, then you want to tend not to do it. But if you’re just having a good time and you don’t think you really want to date the person permanently, then why not? There’s a curve at which if it’s going well, you should have sex, but if it’s going really well, then you should not,” Bouvier said.

Advice for first daters

You’re all set to go out. What should you keep in mind as you splash on cologne, check movie times, do your hair?

“Things you’re looking for: no monologues, eats with mouth closed, has some idea of current events,” Monica Dolan said.

“Be careful not to lose yourself,” Sheila Dolan said. “Set clear boundaries in the beginning and really take your time.”

“Don’t talk on the cell phone the whole date, that’s just rude. And guys, don’t hit on the waitress and don’t have wandering eyes. If you’re out on a date with Julie, then you’re out with Julie, not Trixie the waitress,” Lodge said.

“Show her a bit of fun,” Singh said.

“Have confidence. Come across as a gentleman: nice, cool, not too aggressive but not timid,” Ahmed said.

“Trust your instincts. If this person has a glimmer of hope, give him a chance. I married someone I hated in college,” Lian Dolan said.

“Don’t put on a facade. If you’re not the dress shirt-and-slacks kind of guy, don’t show up at the door in that,” Vansickle said.

“Just do it. How bad could it be?” Liz Dolan said. “I think we all invest too much importance in the first date. It’s just one night of your life and it could be a lot of fun.”

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(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX)

First time’s a charm? Check the stats

Average number of first dates for a single professional, ages 25 to 55, in the past year: 8

Chance a first date will call for a second date after 24 hours: 1 in 8

On your last first date, you had a better impression at the end of the date. 57% Men, 68% Women

How many first dates did you have last month? 2.2 Men, 1.6 Women

If you’re not physically attracted initially but are having a great time, are you most likely to ... not see the person again. 54% Men,

21% Women

... or pursue the relationship hoping attraction will develop. 46% Men, 79% Women

Source: Compiled by It’s Just Lunch, a national dating service,

from the following surveys: American Demographics/Harris Interactive April 2001; American Demographics, Aug. 1, 2001; and Roper ASW, 2001.

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A few first dates

Here are some suggestions for a first date. Make a trial run ahead of time, as it’s always a good idea not to go to a strange place with someone you’re trying to impress.

At the movies:

Go for a slice of history at the Cinerama Dome in Hollywood. Built in 1963 and recently restored, it looks like half a giant white stucco golf ball. Cinerama Dome, 6360 Sunset Blvd., (323) 464-4226.

A walk on the beach:

You can walk for miles in either direction on Huntington Beach, with pelicans gliding by and surfers catching waves. The beach, Pacific Coast Highway and Main Street, Huntington Beach.

Just dessert:

With its art nouveau entry, the Sugarplum Bakery in L.A. looks like a patisserie beamed here from Paris with its picture-perfect European desserts. Share a slice of the signature Saint Honore, layers of chocolate and cream. Sugarplum Bakery, 7122 Beverly Blvd., (323) 934-7900.

Bowlerama:

Try Regal Lanes in Orange, the largest bowling center in the West, with a funky north-county-meets-Bavaria decor. Forget the late night rock bowling scene (much too loud). Regal Lanes, 1485 N. Tustin Ave., (714) 997-9901.