The Envelope, Please! Free Dinner (Plus Parking) Goes to
If ever there was a doubt that Southern Californians have too much time on their hands, today I’d like to introduce the winners of the “We Three Kings” songwriting contest.
Humor. Compassion. Anger. Pathos. In dozens of entries, a little bit of everything came in over the transom, and what better time to open this package of love than Christmas Day?
In case you missed it, I wrote a column early this month pointing out that Angelenos are going to end up on their knees at the Pearly Gates.
Compared to other cities, we don’t exactly wear halos when it comes to charitable giving.
I challenged readers to address this shortcoming by making a donation to the L.A. Times Holiday Campaign, and by writing a few verses to lampoon all the deadbeats out there.
I’m sorry to have to report that not everyone is capable of following simple instructions. West L.A.’s Michael Allen, for instance, blew off “We Three Kings” and inexplicably wrote to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands.”
What would you expect from a TV scribe who tells me he wrote for “Beavis and Butt-Head”? I wouldn’t even mention him except his ditty was nothing short of brilliant.
OK, everybody clap along.
If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.
No enchilada for Mr. Allen, but we might have to go with “Clap Your Hands” as next year’s tune.
Another contestant, Larry Nathenson of West L.A., got the “We Three Kings” tune right in a satire of the secession movement.
Mayor Hahn, he won’t let us go,
Says he’ll give more services for our dough.
He’ll fix our streets,
He’ll hire more police.
A better city we’ll never know.
Oh, Oh,
Valley city that might have been.
Valley city next time we’ll win.
We’ll keep our cash,
Collect our own trash
And we’ll be free of Mayor Jim.
Darlene Kinsey of Anaheim Hills won big points for including me in the chorus.
Oh, oh,
Find some nickels, find some dimes.
Send them to the L.A. Times.
Help the colder,
Poorer, older
And thank Steve for all these rhymes.
In a fair world, JoAnne Anderson of Oak Park would be a winner because her entry included a Post-it note saying: “I’d donate more, but I’m unemployed.”
But enough with the honorable mentions. After the painful task of thinning the herd, our panel of judges came up with three finalists.
When I asked my editor which of the three finalists to go with, he suggested declaring all of them winners in honor of the Three Kings. (This is the kind of thoughtful deliberation that goes on every day here at the office.)
So who gets free dinner under the vibrant tapestry of velvet paintings at Los Tacos, located in a West Hollywood mini-mall between a 7-Eleven and a carwash (and free parking to boot)?
Sandy Langfit of Encino.
Guy and Vivienne O’Brien of Echo Park.
And Janet Bergamo of Piru.
We don’t have space to run each entry in full, but without further ado, here are the highlights:
Sandy Langfit:
Age is something I won’t admit.
Nips and tucks to make me look fit.
Botox was chosen,
My face is frozen.
Wrinkles I won’t permit.
CHORUS
Oh!
Star of Sony, see the plight
Of the others in your sight.
As you care
And as you share
You can help to make it right.
Guy and Vivienne O’Brien:
FIRST VERSE
These are the things I need in my car:
Four-wheel drive in particular.
ABS action, anti-slip traction.
GPS, maybe Northstar.
SECOND VERSE
Eight mpg sounds fine to me.
Good for Texas and the Big Three.
I suspect the greenhouse effect
Is just a poor wimp’s plea.
THIRD VERSE
Call me a glutton, call me a schmuck,
Dufus in a glorified truck.
All you peons in your Neons
Hit me you’re out of luck.
CHORUS
Oh, oh,
Exhaust of thunder, torque of might.
SUV with beauty bright.
Never yielding, always wielding.
Horsepower that’s out of sight.
Janet Bergamo:
Here, two kings with eyes on Iraq:
Bush and Cheney
Poised for attack.
Nukes abound in North Korea
And yet they receive no flak.
Oh, oh,
Why make war where we can’t see
Weapons or activity?
Iraq has oil ‘neath its soil.
Korea just has kimchi.
*
Donations (checks or money orders) supporting the Los Angeles Times Holiday Campaign should be sent to:
L.A. Times Holiday Campaign, File 56986, Los Angeles, CA 90074-6986. Please do not send cash. Credit card donations can be made on the Web site: www.latimes.com/holiday campaign.
All donations are tax-deductible.
For more information about the Holiday Campaign, call (800) LATIMES, Ext. 75771.
