Seeing Red

Cupid’s arrow is not the only good intention to frequently miss its target. Men and Valentine’s Day, as many women will testify, go together like Dracula and sunlight, like the Hindenburg and hydrogen, like soup and hair.... Who knows what lurks in the hearts of gift-giving men? Something mysterious, something dark, something ... challenged.

Many a man seems to have taken to heart the kind of advice posted on the Internet by one Don Jones. In his “A Guy’s Guide to the Perfect Valentine Gift,” he says: “Buying a present does not have to consist of any actual thought. The process only has to appear as though some thought went into it.” Guys, we are not duped. Girlfriends, here is your testimony:

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It was big, it was flat. It was our first Valentine’s Day together. He is a professional artist. [Perhaps] a huge homemade card, full of hearts and glitter? No, a doormat. With the comment: “I noticed you needed one.”

Samantha, 32

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Nothing. For 12 years.

Penny, 57

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I received a Chinese puzzle box with something inside, but you had to be able to open the box to get the gift. That took around an hour or so. The size of the box sort of led me to believe that it might hold a ring-sized object. The gift was, in fact, a wire animal made of paper clips and rubber bands. We got a divorce.

Jessica, 53

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A fire extinguisher. His explanation: “It’s red, and it says ‘I love you.’”

Susan, 34

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One year, my usually romantic gift-giving husband gave me ... poultry scissors. He demonstrated how not only did these scissors quickly and mercilessly dismember a chicken, but they also had a bottle opener on one end and, if turned inside out, became pliers.

I’ve never cut a whole chicken into pieces, let alone cleaned one out. Anyway, we got a “whole fryer” and I started to snap off the legs and wings with the mighty scissors, and pull out the innards with the “pliers” tool, and within 10 minutes I had to breathe into a paper bag. I was gagging, sweating and trying to blame it on the flu so as not to hurt my hubby’s feelings. The fancy scissors have never touched chicken flesh since, and are now only used for cutting the price tags off new clothes.

Debbie, 33

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A pear. Yes! A pear! I wanted a pear-shaped diamond. But, I got

From a dateable.com survey

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A husband, who had been married to and/or dating me for nearly 10 years, gave me earrings. Pierced. Didn’t know I didn’t have holes in my ears.

Bobbi, 44

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I received a lovely bouquet--on Feb. 15. When I called to thank him, I asked: “Did the florist forget to deliver them yesterday?” He said proudly, “No, I got them cheaper this way!” But it wasn’t until I realized that all the restaurants we went to had coupons in the Entertainment Book (buy one meal, get one free) that I ended it.

Ann, 52

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I got a waffle iron for Valentine’s Day one year. I think it’s important to note that the waffle iron lasted much longer than the relationship with the guy who gave it to me. It still makes great waffles!

Barbra, 30

Last year I had just started dating this guy in January and I made him beautiful chocolate truffles--I had never made them before and my kitchen looked like it had been hit by a chocolate bomb. And he got me ... nothing, because his male friends advised him it was too early, and he ignored the wiser advice of his female friends.

Cicely, 27

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A large, red plastic cup shaped like two crawfish. Or rather, one Siamese-twin crawfish. The bottom was like its ridged tail, and the feelers came around and embraced the cup. On the plus side, it was full of beer.

Ana, 24

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My birthday is on Valentine’s Day. He forgot both of them.

From the Web site dating.about.com

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Bronchitis.

Too Bitter to Be Named, 42