When in Love, Don’t Forget Your Credit Card
Even after all these years, there are still many questions about love. Why is love so elusive? How much does it cost? Now, finally, some answers:
What exactly is love anyway?
Love has various meanings. Poets see love in the twinkle of the milky way. Or in the slant of sunlight on a winter’s day. The ancient Greeks, a practical people, apparently believed love was an illness, not covered by most major health plans.
Even today, love is not covered by most major health plans.
Why not?
Love is not easy to treat. For one thing, it can last 48 hours or 48 days. In rare cases, love can last a year or more. (For more on this, see Freud’s writings on pain and pleasure.)
What do men really want?
Women.
What do women really want?
Women want a companion, a soul mate, a shoulder to lean on. They want romance and surprise. Walks on the beach. Moonlight. Diamonds. SUVs. A pretty good line of credit.
What else do women want? Women want little, random acts of kindness. And big, sweeping romantic gestures that make their girlfriends envious. They want Paris in the spring and New York in autumn. Christmas in the Alps and Tuscany in mid-June.
Women want a guy with a granite chin, but who is sensitive, you know, and kind of athletic. A guy who’s spontaneous but reliable. Simple yet enigmatic. Tall but short. Women want Arthur Miller, Joe DiMaggio and that Brad Pittsburgh guy all rolled into one. That’s all that women want.
Are they, like, nuts?
Many of them, yes.
My husband is broken. Any suggestions?
Husbands are like electronics. The best way to fix one is to turn him on and off.
I’ve tried rebooting my husband that way. His eyes flicker but he doesn’t respond.
If you have trouble turning your husband on, smack him hard on the forehead and jiggle his modem. This will turn on most husbands.
Can kids help a marriage?
Definitely.
How many?
The more children the better.
Why?
It increases the odds of having one you like.
Cupid seems nice. But my friends say he swallows a lot of his frustrations and is now just a pudgy, diapered little man who can’t get a date. Is this true?
Yes.
Any idea what Cupid’s cholesterol level is?
650 (roughly the same as Santa’s).
Some men think they can make up for all the wrong things they do with a special gift and a mumbled apology. Why?
You mean some guys do both?
Sometimes, romance seems to be disappearing. Is there any hope?
Just when you think there is no hope, along comes hope. Hope is constant. Hope keeps us going.
Like Hope in that TV show “thirtysomething”?
Yes. But she complained a lot. I’m thinking more of eternal hope. Like what you feel when your favorite baseball team takes the field for the first time each spring.
So love is like baseball?
No, in baseball you get two more strikes.
Is it possible to put a price tag on true love?
In theory, love is free. In practice, it can be rather expensive.
Here are some of the probable costs of true, everlasting love:
First date: $100
Second date: $75
Third date: $25
First weekend away together: $2,000
Pregnancy test: $12
Engagement ring: $2,000
Honeymoon: $5,500
Starter home (California): $275,000
Diapers: $3,000 (each kid)
Child care: $24,000 (each child)
Various expenses, like Valentine’s gifts and oil changes: $50,000
Braces: $3,000 (each kid)
Marriage counseling: $500
Kids’ college educations: $100,000 (each kid)
Daughters’ weddings: $30,000 (each bride)
Retirement home: $650,000
His-and-her grave sites: $5,000
TOTAL AVERAGE COST OF TRUE, EVERLASTING LOVE: $1,440,212*
*based on one wife, two daughters, one son
Is love really worth it?
Almost always.
Chris Erskine’s column is published on Wednesdays. His e-mail address is chris.erskine@latimes.com.
