Answers Leave a Lot of Questions

Frankly, these Winter Games were starting to drag a little (Need more halfpipe!) once Ross Powers and Danny Kass packed up their snowboards (need more halfpipe!), so it’s a good thing this pairs figure skating scandal came along.

The best Olympic event I’ve seen since Powers performed his personal tribute to Apollo 11 (Need more halfpipe!) was International Skating Union President Ottavio Cinquanta sweating bullets and dodging some others before a roomful of hostile journalists Wednesday.

Journalist wants to know why the ISU is conducting an “internal assessment” of the incident instead of enlisting an outside, independent investigation.

Cinquanta wants to know which country the journalist is from.

Journalist wants to know if Cinquanta agreed with the judges’ decision to award the gold medal to the Russians instead of the Canadians.

Cinquanta says, “You embarrass me with this question.”

Journalist wants to know if the judges’ decision can be reversed and the gold medal instead awarded to the Canadians.

Cinquanta wants to know why the Canadians didn’t ask for a reversal when Jamie Sale and David Pelletier skated far from flawlessly at the 2001 World Championships in Vancouver, yet still walked away with the gold medal.

Journalist tells Cinquanta he’s “sliding like a figure skater” during this slippery Q-and-A session.

Cinquanta furrows his brow, clenches his teeth and says, “If I answer with the same vigor as your question, it would be a catastrophe.”

Clearly, something has to be done to clean up figure skating, which in its own way is as dirty as track and field. Track has its anabolic steroids, figure skating has backroom politicking and bloc alliances--pick your poison. And with the French judge at Monday’s pairs free skate allegedly admitting, and then denying, she voted for the Russians because she felt pressured to do so by her national figure skating association, the time to do something is now.

But do what?

Let’s toss around a few options here:

1. Throw figure skating out of the Olympics. It’s not as if this hasn’t been proposed before. You know all the arguments: It’s not a real sport; it’s too subjective; it’s just Ice Capades with phony scores. After the pairs fiasco, even Frank Carroll, longtime skating coach and defender of the sport, said he could understand the International Olympic Committee now deciding it wants nothing more to do with the event.

Obviously, NBC would object. So would 80% of the world’s female television- watching audience. But the Olympics could survive and thrive without figure skating.

In fact, I have just the sport to replace it as the top-of-the-line prime-time ratings grabber.

(Need more halfpipe!)

2. Throw figure skating judges out of the Olympics. A radical move, but as one journalist told Cinquanta on Wednesday, “100% of the public is behind the Canadians,” so 100% of the public must be right, right?

So get rid of the judges and just let the audience decide it. We don’t care if Todd Eldredge’s backside spends more time on the ice than the Zamboni. He’s our Todd and we’re giving him the gold!

It could happen. Consider: Cinquanta is Italian. The next Winter Olympics are in Turin, Italy. If you let the home crowd decide the winners and the Italians sweep the 2006 figure skating medals, Cinquanta can simply shrug and say: Only giving the people what they want.

3. Change the scoring system. Give the skaters metal clubs and have them beat one another to bloody pulps. (Oh, right. Something similar has been tried already.) Or give them helmets and hockey sticks and let’s see Sasha Cohen and Michelle Kwan muck it up in the corner. (Some figure skating writers insist this also has been tried already.)

Or just have them do their routines, let everyone applaud, blow a horn and have them speedskate a few laps for the championship. Last one to the kiss-and-cry area gets the bronze!

4. Let the judges hold post-skate news conferences. ISU rules currently prohibit figure skating judges from discussing their decisions with the media. Lose that rule. Give the judges the chance to explain themselves:

“Maybe it’s just me, but I thought the Russian guy who dressed like Tinker Bell was a little bit over the top.”

“Maybe it’s just me, but I preferred the lavender pirate to the chartreuse Zorro.”

“‘Love Story?’ You’ve got to be kidding.”

5. Scrap the skating, schedule more Cinquanta.

Journalist wants to know if the referee’s internal report after Monday’s pairs competition will be released to the media.

Cinquanta says, “Absolutely not. It’s an internal paper. Why should we release it?”

Journalist wants to know, again, if there is any possibility for a reversal of the judges’ ruling.

Cinquanta says, “If I say there’s no possibility, I would be a liar. I am not a liar.”

Journalists go on and on, reciting variations on the same theme: The Canadians got jobbed.

Cinquanta says, “If you place a phone call to Moscow, you may get a different answer.”

I tell you, I could watch this stuff for hours.