Hysteria on Ice--the Long Program

No longer just fighting back, America is now talking back.

Bring on those knee-jerk public-opinion polls and yokel-on-the-street surveys mimicking hysterical responses from NBC Sports commentators. Bring on talk shows and their easily exercised hosts. Bring on volcanic, steam-shooting-from-ears outrage, the kind we reserve for occasions that threaten the very soul of civilization. Bring on CNN’s Larry King, ever circumspect, proclaiming this epic travesty of justice “the most talked-about story in the world.”

And why not?

Yes, there is terrorism. Yes, there is Enron. But this, this is a catastrophe.

“The Canadians were robbed 100%,” someone said. “It was an absolute national disgrace,” someone else added. Said another: “Everybody on the planet thought they should have won.” Yup, all of Earth remarkably of one mind.

And so it went Tuesday and Wednesday on CNN’s noontime chat show, “TalkBack Live.” As it did throughout much of television and the rest of the media, where debate fixated on Monday’s pairs figure skating at the Winter Olympics, which found Russians Elena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze edging Canadians Jamie Sale and David Pelletier for the gold medal.

NBC commentators Scott Hamilton and Sandra Bezic--who had confidently predicted gold for crowd favorites Sale and Pelletier during and after their performance--cried foul.

As I did, being devastated, ripped, incensed, seething with anger, foaming with purple rage.

When Sale and Pelletier skated on TV, I chanted, “Six! Six!,” calling for the judges to give them the perfect score I was certain they deserved, even though I knew zippo about skating. When their marks came up, my heart broke for these Canadians whom I didn’t care about and had never heard of before that evening. I was embarrassed for my country, even though my country had nothing to do with it. I was embarrassed for my sport, even though figure skating wasn’t my sport. I endorsed Hamilton’s and Bezic’s fury, even though I had only a vague notion of what they were talking about.

And as the coverage and speculation about rigging billowed all week--giving NBC’s figure skating coverage free publicity that would cost kadzillions to buy--I learned that Sale and Pelletier had lost to a couple of clumsy palookas. Berezhnaya and Sikharulidze didn’t have to exert effort on the ice because “they knew” they would win, retiring U.S. Olympic skier Picabo Street assured Jay Leno on NBC Wednesday night. So they were in on it, too, huh?

Yes, echoing the nostalgic good old days of the Cold War, it was the Russkies all over again, this time they and their “bloc” sabotaging the Canadians. You know, our northern neighbors who look, act and talk so much like us that they could be, well, junior or almost-Americans.

This is where we draw the line. Chechnyans are one thing. But Russians must not be allowed to abuse almost-Americans.

The gold medalists themselves were scheduled to address that during a Thursday night appearance with King, whose Wednesday guests had included the now globally famous Canadians.

If all this appears overwrought (“We wuz robbed” being the mantra of boxing, where biased judging is nearly a given), consider it a function of quadrennial Olympic fever. It’s during these periodic diversions from reality that sports few of us ever think or hear about suddenly assume cosmic importance through the prism of intense media exposure.

“We’ll get back to curling in a moment,” MSNBC promised when breaking away for a news conference on the figure-skating flap Wednesday.

The result of this laser focus? Instant experts everywhere, millions of viewers temporarily speaking an alien tongue taught them by TV, their heads Berlitzed with new sports terminology destined to vanish from their radar as soon as the Games end.

The experience is not unfamiliar. Typical in my house these days are dialogues along these lines:

“Look at that triple toe loop!”

“Huge!”

“And the quad toe, the double toe.”

“Sheer determination.”

“Have you ever?”

“Such heart, such spirit.”

“Such passion.”

“And that triple axel.”

“Gigantic!”

“Would you believe that triple lutz?”

“You mean double lutz.”

“I know a triple lutz when I see one.”

“Oh, sure. Like you knew that step lift was a hand-to-hand loop lift.”

“Oh, yeah? What about the death spiral you miscalled?”

“I did say it was awesome.”

“But you called it a toe overhead lift.”

“You’re confusing that with the waltz jump.”

“It was a throw jump.”

“Will you just look at that salchow.”

“Lovely rotation. So clean, so elegant.”

“That choreography--it takes my breath away.”

“And nice arc on that jump.”

“Then into a flying sit spin.”

“A camel, you mean.”

“A flying sit spin is not a camel.”

“That’s what I’m saying.”

“Just look at that quad toe, triple toe.”

“Easy, effortless.”

“Wow!”

“Was that a walley?”

“Nah, inside axel.”

Yes, and about those toe picks....

If this even approaches what’s happening in other U.S. households during this extended Olympic moment, it’s no wonder that the foibles of figure skating now crescendo so deafeningly in viewerdom. Nor will controversy over subjective judging necessarily end with skaters.

Judged best at this week’s Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, in a big surprise, was the miniature poodle, Surrey Spice Girl, edging the heavily favored Kerry Blue terrier, Torums Scarf Michael.

Was the fix in? Stay tuned.

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Howard Rosenberg’s column appears Mondays and Fridays. He can be contacted at howard.rosenberg @latimes.com.