All Decisions, All the Time

Thanks a lot, Judge Greene.

He was the well-meaning, earnest fellow who, in 1984, decided the nation couldn’t live with one telephone company. His decisions implemented AT&T;’s breakup but seemed to unleash a cascade of theoretically beneficial competition, confronting millions of innocent Americans with a compounding surfeit of overwhelming daily decisions.

You can now blow an entire Saturday deciding stuff.

We used to have it simple--a number for the phone, Social Security and license plate. We survived on one species of M&Ms; and two choices about toilet paper, rolling off the top or the bottom depending on maternal tradition. But now, what phone company for local service? What company for long distance? DSL? Unlisted? Messaging? Forwarding? Call waiting? Line insurance? What Internet company? By the hour or unlimited? Cable TV or satellite? Which satellite? Which movie package? Which news channel--the one with Larry King in suspenders or the one with short skirts? You know going in that no packages compare. Same for cell phones. How to figure if the 7 p.m. minutes plan is better? How many are out of state? Or region? What region? Do you want a vanity auto license? Also, decide right now: If you die on the 101, can some strangers have your organs?

Once, passwords were only for childhood clubhouses. Now, grown-ups need one at work. “Your password expires in four days. Do you want to change it?” Aging minds must choose--numbers, letters, capitals?--how to jumble old passwords to remember new ones without psychiatric care? Same for PINs. Is this ATM worth $2 or wait for the free one near home? $40, $60, $80? Which PIN is it--birthday or anniversary? Need checks? What style?

Movies used to show one film; 17 now playing. At the grocery store, brand name or generic? Grande or venti? How many apple varieties do we really need? Sodium-free crackers? Reduced fat? Even Cheerios require decisions now. And then: Paper or plastic? Lottery ticket? Club member? Four ways to pay. Need help to your car? Gas low? Several grades to pick. Pay inside or out? Credit or cash? Want a receipt? Car wash? Tire treatment? Wax? Need a snack? Is drive-thru always slower than walk-in? Regular or diet? Supersize? What sauce? Here or to go? Cold in the car? What fan speed and where to blow--windshield, mid-level, floor or combo? Same for passenger side? Now, about your sprinkler settings....

As for Harold Greene, he retired, then died two years ago of a cerebral hemorrhage. May his selection of heavenly golf courses and plaid pants be many.