Lockyer’s Elements in Ca. Political Chemistry
It was unquestionably political, but science ...?
Atty. Gen. Bill Lockyer’s latest literary enthusiasm is a book titled “E=MC2: A Biography of the World’s Most Famous Equation,” a bit of reading he put to good use at the recent state Democratic convention in Los Angeles.
Lockyer treated delegates to a PowerPoint presentation of his own periodic chart of elements. Herewith, the Lockyer version of hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium, and so on:
Burtonium: a highly volatile element that explodes when it comes into contact with cell phones, maitres d’, Republicans, governors, air, water, etc. (John Burton, the state Senate president, is known as a man with an equal-opportunity wit as well as temper, across the political and social spectrum.)
Fundraisium: some people believe that if you mix Fundraisium with Grayvium, it will inevitably produce Governium. One thing’s for sure: so far, it’s impervious to Reformium!
Enronium: an unstable element that generated far fewer electrons than originally claimed. Now Enronium attracts only Subpoena-trons!
Microsoftium: known as the “crabgrass” element, Microsoftium seems to prosper by mimicking and consuming new elements and converting them to waste products. Has defied all previous government efforts to split its nucleus, but may prove vulnerable to Lockyerite.
Riordanite: owns many interesting properties, known to be fluid in principle and best understood only with fuzzy logic. Riordanite is subject to odd random emissions when anyone is watching.
Dickchenium: now stored by the government in a remote, undisclosed location, Dickchenium is mostly used for extracting Fund-raisium from Petroleum.
Georgebushium: not really an element, Georgebushium is actually a recently invented oil byproduct that is generally recognized to be a few quarks short of a muon.
(And then there are those two unshakably stable elements that no third element seems to be able to alter, Democratium and Republicum.)
‘John Q’ Could Never Happen Here--Right?
The Oscar season frenzy has crept north of the fever line, to Sacramento, where Gray Davis’ press office took advantage of the new film “John Q” to point out that something this dreadful would never happen in California, thanks to the state’s relatively new department of managed care, which runs interference on HMO outrages.
(You know the story line: Denzel Washington finds his insurance won’t cover his dying son’s heart transplant, and holds the hospital hostage to get satisfaction.)
During all of this, the producer, Mark Burg, who was there by the magic of teleconferencing, let slip that he set the movie in Chicago because it bears a credible resemblance to Toronto, where the film was actually made--more film flight to the Great White North. Chicago itself, Burg said, was too expensive; he would have loved to have stayed home and made the film in L.A., but gosh, he only had $40 million.
It was at this moment that Davis spokesman Steve Maviglio took the opportunity to point out that Davis had proposed tax credits to keep the movie industry on its home turf.
Dishing Out Some Biting Remarks on Tyson
The day before its “John Q” press event, Davis’ office, ever mindful of the boxing-hating vote, issued this statement about the possibility of Mike Tyson’s boxing here:
“If it were up to me, it’s a mistake,” Gov. Davis said. “I don’t think we should grant Mike Tyson a permit, certainly not now. I think he needs to get treatment and get help. And I would be opposed to it.”
And as to how the state Athletic Commission may vote if it is asked to consider approving a permit for Tyson to fight Lennox Lewis in California, the governor stated:
“Well, I think they should use their independent judgment as to what is best for California. But if they asked me, I don’t think this is the right time to give Mike Tyson a fight. I mean, you can’t have people who go around biting other people and apparently losing control, a number of lawsuits against him for alleged problems, so this is just not the right time to do it and I personally would be opposed to it.”
Bold words from a man who’ll be going many rounds with whomever the Republicans nominate in March--although not, mercifully, in satin shorts.
Dickchenium Shines One On at Fundraisium
Out of the blue, some friendly fire:
At last week’s Nixon Library luncheon to award Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife, Lynne, the “architects of peace” prize, Cheney got blindsided by questions he clearly wasn’t expecting from the $2,500-a-plate audience.
One of them came from Fullerton’s man in Congress, Republican Ed Royce, who wanted to know whether the U.S. would do something to keep members of the Saudi royal family from spending their oil riches to run terrorist training schools in North Africa and Central Asia. After a brief discussion of how terrorists have used legitimate and phony charities as fronts, Cheney said, “The Saudis have been very cooperative in a lot of our enterprises”--not exactly an answer to the question.
Cheney might have been in for another difficult intra-GOP moment in San Jose a few days later. He was scheduled to give a speech in the same place where, moments before, secretary of state and GOP governor candidate Bill Jones planned to demand that Democratic Gov. Gray Davis come clean on his little chats with Enron.
As the press release was headlined, “Secretary of State Bill Jones to Hold Press Avail[ability] to discuss Enron/Davis connection. Will call on Davis to reveal details of all communication with Ken Lay, and other Enron executives.”
This was dicey because, of course, Cheney has been refusing to spill the beans on his own chats with Enron.
Some people might feel constrained to point out that what’s sauce for the donkey should be sauce for the elephant.
Some Jones aide wised up in time to bring out the hook, although Jones’ spokeswoman says no, no, no, no, it was merely logistics: “We weren’t able to move [Jones] into San Jose with enough time.... He was running late on appointments.”
Oh, c’mon--it had nothing to do with that potentially embarrassing intra-party chafing?
“No,’ she declared, “it was not.”
How About Calling It Hahnistan?
L.A.’s splitting headache, the secession movement, has acquired its own comedians.
That other secession movement, the one that is literally in the backyard of Mayor James Hahn, would cleave his town, San Pedro, along with the burbs of Wilmington and Harbor City, from Greater L.A.
The secession chiefs have to submit five possible names for the new burg for the November ballot, and so they are accepting ideas sent to info@harborstudy.org. A lot of names have port themes--no surprise--but in a state where builders grandly name subdivisions “River View” when neither a river nor a view exists, truth should not be a confining consideration.
Among the nominees so far: Port Verde, Angel Port, Angels Port, Pacific Port, Pacific Vista, Two Port City and a half-Spanish version, Dosport.
“A few were probably submitted in jest,” says Dennis Dyer, one of the secession leaders, “but most would be very suitable.” The jesters are “Bushville, Bushtown, Bushton,” and, for a former L.A. mayor whose name now only appears on a meeting room at the convention center, “Port Yorty.”
Who’s for Whom
Davis: California Latino Superintendents Assn., New Frontier Democratic Club.
Jones: Republican Arab American Congress, United Agri Business League, Silicon Valley Young Republican Federation.
Simon: Gun Owners of California, Young Republican Federation of California.
Points Taken
* Still spell-check deprived: the Riordan campaign, sending out a press release with a headline about the candidate’s “manufacturering tax cut proposal.”
* NALEO, the National Assn. of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials, sent out a get-out-the-vote flier for the March 5 election using as its poster boy one of its own, who just now is between appointments and elections to anything, Antonio Villaraigosa.
* The Bakersfield City Council approved putting two phrases on the walls of City Hall: “In God We Trust” and “E Pluribus Unum” (out of many, one)--both to be found also on U.S. coins.
* A bigwig at a Sacramento PR firm, Sara Brown, returned from her honeymoon and let it be known that her new name is now Sara Lee, and invited all and sundry to “forward your best attempts at pound-cake jokes.”
You Can Quote Me
“OK. Fine. But no sex.”
Another deadpan line from GOP gubernatorial candidate Bill Simon. When a top campaign official, Bob Taylor, told Simon that during the campaign’s home stretch, Taylor wouldn’t be letting Simon out of his sight and promised to “stick to you like glue,” Simon delivered his droll response.
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Looking left: Delegates at last week’s California Democratic convention in Los Angeles applaud the real thing onstage while a huge video image of Gov. Gray Davis fills the giant screen beside them.
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Columnist Patt Morrison’s e-mail address is patt.morrison@latimes.com. This week’s contributors include Mark Z. Barabak, Carl Ingram, Jean Merl, Jean O. Pasco, and Julie Tamaki.
