Amnesiac Searching for Clues to Unlock Mysteries of Past

It’s as if Macy’s life began a few weeks ago on the side of the road.

Alone and shivering, she wandered past unfamiliar houses and road signs. She remembers reaching under the blue knit scarf covering her shorn hair and feeling a bump on the back of her head. She remembers searching the pockets of her jeans and long camel coat, coming up with $24.31 and a pink cigarette lighter. But that’s it. No wallet. No ID.

It was just after midnight March 2 when she stepped into a phone booth in tiny Round Hill, Va., a town 45 miles west of Washington. She called 911 and told the dispatcher she didn’t know where she was--or who she was.

She can’t recall how long she walked that night. And she can’t remember anything else.

“It’s like I wasn’t born until that day,” said Macy, who named herself to avoid becoming known as Jane Doe. “All I remember is it was like I was waking up and walking down a country road. I didn’t recognize anything. I was cold, I was scared and I didn’t remember anything.”

Macy, who has voluntarily committed herself to a Northern Virginia mental facility, has what her doctor calls a classic case of amnesia. Her life before March 2 is blank. There are no mental snapshots of friends or family, no recollections of playing tag in her old neighborhood. She doesn’t know if she is a wife, or a mother, or has a favorite color. She remembers no movies, no books, no names, no faces, no places.

As she watched CNN recently, she didn’t recognize President Bush and “didn’t get it” when she saw footage of planes crashing into the World Trade Center.

Now, she can only wonder where she goes from here. She’s at once frightened and hopeful. But mostly, Macy said, it’s emptiness that has enveloped her.

“You can’t miss something you don’t remember,” she explained. “I hear people talking about their families and I think, ‘Family, what is that?’ ”

Medical experts say cases like Macy’s, in which someone experiences such a complete loss of memory, are rare but not unheard of. Amnesia can be caused by a blow to the head, a medical condition such as a stroke or brain tumor, or a traumatic event. Usually, the effects are short-term and the period of time forgotten is limited. In many cases, the memories eventually return.

Macy’s doctors said brain scans and other medical tests show that she is healthy, and they suspect that she may have been through something so terrible that her mind closed off her memories to protect her. Whatever her past holds, Macy says, she wants to know.

“I need to find out who I am and where I’m supposed to be,” she said. “No matter what it is, I have to go through with it.”

Macy, who has bright eyes, a warm laugh and appears to be in her 40s, has no tattoos, no scars. Her only jewelry was a dainty watch with a brown leather band. Fairfax County, Va., police Officer Keela Lowry, who is trying to help Macy, ran her fingerprints through law enforcement and military databases and has checked missing persons reports.

Macy is searching too.

A few days ago, she slipped on the clothes she wore that night--jeans and a white sweatshirt with fans embroidered on the front--hoping that the outfit would trigger some recollection. Nothing.

When she goes out, she peers at customers in stores and drivers in passing cars and wonders if she knows them.

Macy has stumbled across things that seem familiar. A desire to paint her nails a cheery bright pink made her think she used to like to primp. A walk around a lake gave her the sense that she’s an outdoors person. She can’t explain why she chose the name Macy, but wonders if her subconscious has given her a clue.

Macy’s doctors say all she can do is wait. She said she’s also praying, even though she doesn’t know if she worshiped before.

Mark Wheeler, an assistant professor of psychology at Temple University, said Macy’s memories are still there; she just can’t reach them. The brain stores different bits of a memory in different areas, Wheeler explained--the roar of the crowd in one, the winning home run somewhere else. The brain puts them together to form a memory of the ballgame, but amnesia victims lose that ability.

“It’s tempting to say she had these memories and now they are wiped out, but what’s happened is now she can’t put the traces of her memories together,” Wheeler said.

As she waits for her memories to return, Macy is busy relearning society’s common past. Watching the news taught her that there is a war in Afghanistan, and she is learning anew some classic-rock tunes. She gobbles up the newspaper each day and is a History Channel fan.

The other day, she joined some patients watching a television documentary about the firefighters who responded to the terrorist attacks. At first Macy was stunned, then she began asking questions.

“I was like, ‘This can’t be real,’ ” she said. “I was asking what happened and they told me about the fire, and the Pentagon and the World Trade Center.”

If the people who are part of her old life find her, she still might not remember them, medical experts said. But she can learn.

Whatever happens, Macy says that, for now, she’s happily creating new memories. “I believe God works in his own time,” she said. “He brought me here and I’m alive and breathing and healthy, and that in itself is a miracle.”

Macy has befriended fellow patients, and one wrote her a poem. She’s decided she’s fond of apple pie and can do without rap music.

“I’m starting from nowhere,” she said.