Two, Four, Six, Eight--Let’s Cogitate

Our public schools are plagued with serious problems. Crowded classrooms. Inadequate textbooks. Untrained teachers. Plummeting test scores. Inappropriate mascots.

I say if we fix the mascot problem right, the rest will take care of itself. It’s not enough to ban team names such as Braves and Chiefs or even Spartans and Saxons. Get rid of animal mascots too. Why reinforce narrow stereotypes like the ferocious tiger or fearsome bear? Let’s give our schools nicknames with mascots our kids can admire!

Team name: Monrovia Mathematicians. Mascot: Sir Isaac Newton. Fight song: Two, four, six, eight / Who knows how to calculate? / Nine, seven, five, three / We’ll whip you in geometry! / We’re not frightened, we’re not scared / We know e is mc squared!

Team name: Cucamonga Cubists. Mascot: Marcel Duchamp’s “Nude Descending a Staircase.” Fight song: Hey hey, ho ho / We’re more complex than Vince van Gogh / Ho ho, hee hee / Can two dimensions look like three? / Hee hee, ha ha / We scoff at impressionists like Degas / Ha ha, hey hey / We’ll paint the town and win the day!

Team name: Fullerton Philosophers. Mascot: Rodin’s “The Thinker.” Fight song: Who needs fullbacks packed with power / We’ve got Arthur Schopenhauer! / You may block us wham and bam / But we can think, therefore we am / You may have a winning season / But we’ve got Kant’s critique of reason.

Team name: Venice Vegans. Mascot: Romaine lettuce. Fight song: We don’t eat meat / we don’t eat eggs / We don’t wear leather shoes / We’re big and strong on soy-based milk / Hey meatheads--get a clue!

Team name: Pomona Premeds. Mascot: Tongue depressor. Fight song: Chemistry, calculus, we’re no fools / We’re gonna go to medical school / Shut us out and dance with glee / But someday you’ll need surgery / Then we’ll rejoice and sing and dance / And put your money in our pants.