Dusting Off the Welcome Mat for L.A. Chargers
A one-take recap of the news after sitting out writing practice all week. I mean, as Allen Iverson says, “We’re talking about practice.”
News item: Chargers to move training camp to Los Angeles.
Second thought: Here’s hoping the permanent move is all over except for the city council shouting and renting of Ryder trucks.
We’d like to be the first semiregular Monday column to welcome the Chargers back to Los Angeles; let’s show the Lightning Bolts a little more love this time, huh?
The Los Angeles Chargers were a charter American Football League franchise and played the 1960 season at the Coliseum before following the swallows south.
Tidbit: The first regular-season touchdown in Charger history was scored Sept. 10, 1960, a 46-yard pass from Jack Kemp to Ralph Anderson.
A little backdrop music, please.
It was a Saturday, in the city of Angels. Bill and I were working a bingo fraud case out of day watch. There was trouble at the Coliseum, a report of a vendor selling ice cream without a license. That’s where I come in. I carry a badge.
Actually, Sgt. Friday, the crime that day was that only 17,724 showed up to watch the Chargers defeat the Dallas Texans, 21-20. One account reported fans looked like “splotches of acne in the 100,000-seat Coliseum.”
How did we know the Charger offense, coached by Sid Gillman, was a prototype of the modern San Francisco 49ers?
What’s more, that Charger kickoff staff was a veritable Manhattan project of football minds. Among the men surrounding Gillman were Don Klosterman, Chuck Noll, Jack Faulkner and a young assistant looking to make a name for himself: Al Davis.
What would a franchise relocation story be without Al Davis?
Davis joined the Chargers as offensive ends coach, and brought with him a trusty administrative sidekick, Al LoCasale.
Davis, according to some accounts, tried to take credit for being architect of the Charger offense.
In “Slick,” Mark Ribowsky’s unauthorized biography of Davis, Gillman scoffs at this notion: “We were throwing the ball when Al Davis was peeing in his pants.”
To make a short story short, the Chargers went 10-4 in 1960, losing the AFL title game to Houston. Sadly, only 9,928 fans bothered to attend the team’s division-clinching victory at the Coliseum, prompting Charger owner Barron Hilton to take his ball down the coast.
We promise better fan support this time.
Honest.
OK, maybe.
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News item: Seattle Slew dies at 28.
Second thought: Here’s the behind-the-scenes skinny on the former Triple Crown winner’s life and death: The colt could be moody and aloof and mostly kept to his side of the barn. As an interview Slew was as tough as horseshoe nails, rarely uttering anything you could print. Incredibly, the chomp champ never discussed any of his Triple Crown victories and kept his prolific private life private. Insiders say Affirmed was much more approachable in the paddock, whereas Slew let his actions do the talking, sort of like Steve Carlton.
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News item: Mike Tyson’s public relations firm quits less than a month before lucrative fight with Lennox Lewis.
Second thought: Tyson handlers moved fast to find a new PR firm. We stumbled upon this solicitation in the latest edition of the fictional trade daily, “Boxing Reporter.” Wanted: Firm to take over publicity for Mike Tyson. Must have general command and understanding in the fields of dentistry, ear nose and throat, psychiatry, misogyny, tax law, damage control, anger management, spin doctoring, statute of limitations laws and Miss Teen contests. Must enter into contract believing everything bad that has happened to Tyson’s life can be explained as the result of former trainer Cus D’Amato’s death.
Must be prepared to bandage any news conference wound, pay for hotel damages and execute “Fight Canceled” news release at moment’s notice.
Payment, as always, subject to purse being held by state’s boxing commission.
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News item: Colorado Rockies are storing baseballs in humidor to prevent them from drying.
Second thought: Hmmm. The New York Yankees may want to try this on bench coach Don Zimmer.
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News item: San Jose Sharks using dehumidifier to keep ice from getting slushy.
Second thought: Like I’ve always said: In sports, it’s not the feat, it’s the humidity.
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News item: Shaquille O’Neal promotes new Burger King meal known as “the Shaq Pack.”
Second thought: Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, order a gurney to come get us. If Shaq-food reports to camp looking like a sumo wrestler next fall, we’ll know why. Any idea how many clogged arteries are in play here?
Shaq’s stock answer: “Ask Phil, he knows everything.”
Ever vigilant in the pursuit of news, we phoned Burger King headquarters in Miami to get the nutritional information on the “Shaq Pack,” a burger-bacon-cheese-on-sourdough concoction we guessed correctly would have Richard Simmons “sweatin’ to the oldies” for the next 25 years if he ate one.
Pack facts: The sourdough burger alone checks in at 770 calories. Add 370 calories for the medium order of fries and 120 calories for the extra cheese dipping sauce and you get a grand caloric total of 1,152. And that’s assuming you order a calorie-free diet drink.
The “Shaq Pack” has 76 grams of fat and 3,110 milligrams of sodium or, roughly what a backhoe can dredge from the Great Salt Lake in an hour.
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News item: Manute Bol and William “The Refrigerator” Perry set to square off in next round of Celebrity Boxing on Fox.
Second thought: Forget the fight. I’m tuning in to see “the tale of the tape.” Perry reportedly is training for the fight by eating two or three “Shaq Packs” a day.
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News item: NBA approves Charlotte Hornets’ move to New Orleans.
Second thought: We highly recommend the turtle soup and bread pudding souffle (with whiskey) at Commander’s Palace.
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News item: Boston 66, Detroit 64.
Second thought: Iverson may not need practice, but all players involved in this NBA throwback game can’t get enough.
