Ordering Out? Then It’s Gut-Check Time

Rick Majerus, Utah basketball coach, will be The Times’ guest analyst on the Lakers for the rest of the playoffs. Majerus, the fourth- winningest active coach in major college basketball, will begin his 14th season at Utah this fall. He will donate his honorarium for this column to two charities: Padua Village group homes in Claremont and the Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake City.

The food poisoning that slowed Kobe Bryant, and still seemed to be bothering him Wednesday, illustrates his only real weakness as a player in the NBA. And it is a weakness that I, perhaps better than anyone, am qualified to coach him on.

That weakness, of course, is inexperience in ordering room service.

This is not something that should be taken lightly, that should be dismissed without weighing things carefully. As they say in boxing, I may be the best, pound for pound, in all of sports at this.

That’s why there are team managers. Mine has a standing order to report to my hotel room at 2 a.m. on the road to see what I want to eat. There is never a question of if, only what. I’m watching film. That brings hunger. Matter of fact, not watching film also brings hunger.

Now, of course, I don’t ask the manager to do a taste test first. That would be cruel.

But he has a pretty good sense of smell and has some pretty good instincts. Plus, his job security isn’t good if the coach gets food poisoning. That’s kind of understood.

I usually send him someplace else, outside the hotel. Aren’t there any Fatburgers in Sacramento, Kobe?

A good rule is to never order room service after midnight ... it’s mystery meat and secret sauce.

I’ve seen lots of late-night plates with things on them that looked like, well ... think of long, flat Texas roads and armadillos. After all, there are lots and lots of wide-open roads around Sacramento not more than five miles from that hotel where Kobe stayed.

Certainly, I’m not accusing anybody of intentionally trying to poison Kobe, but I’ve been around enough to know that once you are in those hotels, they know who you are and that you are there. Kobe could register as K.B. or something, but every bellman and doorman and room clerk in the place would know he was in Room 321.

Again, I’m not saying that anybody intentionally poisoned Kobe, but they knew who he was and where he was and Sacramento is a town wild and crazy over this team. So all I’m saying is that he probably didn’t get the prime-A cut.

We’ve got Robert’s Rules of Order for parliamentary procedure and we should have Majerus’ Methods of Menus for sports room service. Remember my qualifications here: I’ve had seven bypasses, one for each food group.

Let’s review:

* When in doubt, Fatburger is probably your best bet.

* Have a minion order for you. The Lakers have to have lots of those.

* If it is after midnight and you have to order from the hotel kitchen, get an affidavit as to animal type and send it back if it moves on the plate.

And let’s add one more, not previously mentioned, but a personal favorite: Never eat anything green. Think about it. Has Shaq ever said the reason for his success is broccoli? Of course not.

One thing I couldn’t quite understand about Kobe’s stomachache. He is a hard-muscled, in-perfect-shape basketball player slowed by a stomachache? A guy like that doesn’t even have a stomach. Now if it were me or Lasorda or Simers, it’s a different deal.

Now those would be stomachaches.