On Tuesday, what could have been

Now that the elections are over and all of those who were called crooks and/or liars have mended fences and are pulling together and moving forward, I am free to reveal the (almost) gubernatorial candidacy of Adrian Simple. He had looks, he had money, he had presence, he had a beautiful wife and three lovely rented children, and he had determination. But what he didn’t have was Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Even at the start of the gubernatorial campaign, the Terminator was perceived as a power to be dealt with. The subsequent victory of the proposition he endorsed, while others went down to defeat, proved that.

Simple, which he pronounced Sim-play, had been thinking for months about running as a candidate for the new Entertainment Party. An actor who had starred in several top never-released features, Simple had made money investing in Koo Koo Roo chicken. In addition to his wealth, he also possessed the Kennedy wit, the Reagan smile and a unique ability to speak without cue cards.

I was allowed to be present at a meeting that consisted of Simple and an expert in theatrical politics on the condition that I not write about it until after the election. The expert, known to me only as Lenny, was said to be behind the election of former U.S. Sen. George Murphy, and also as someone who had almost married Julia Roberts.

“What you’ve got to do,” Lenny said to Simple, “is get yourself a Hollywood star who will represent your position.” Pause. “Er, exactly what is your position, Simp?”

“First of all, I prefer not to be called Simp. Secondly, my position is that I am strongly in favor of good over bad.”

“Uh-huh,” Lenny said, “then you’ve got to get a star known for his good.” Thinking time, then, “I’ve got it,” Lenny said, snapping his fingers. “Arnold Schwarzenegger!”

There was a long silence as the idea penetrated Simple’s brain.

“Hmmm,” Simple said. “Not bad. He does fight crime and he was in that kindergarten movie and in that Christmas flick. A crime-fighter who likes kids and Christmas. I love the way he says, ‘I’ll be back.’ Do you know him?”

“I know him through a friend who knows him through a producer who knows him through an agent who met him at a party. My only hesitation is, will people think he’s a real American?”

“What’re you talking about?” Simple said. “He’s married to that woman who’s a relative of the Kennedys, right?”

“Right,” Lenny said, “but that accent.... “

“JFK had an accent. Hit the phone.”

Simple paced while Lenny put in a call to Schwarzenegger, whose telephone number he had obtained from a friend who had been at the same party mentioned earlier, a fund-raiser for stars of commercials seeking serious roles. The call was brief, and when it was over, Simple asked, “Well?”

“Can’t get him,” Lenny replied in a tone of woe he had perfected in the days of the George Murphy re-election campaign. “He’s already locked into supporting some after-school initiative. Anyhow, he says he doesn’t like you because you’re a phony, self-serving, insensitive, low-IQed blob.”

“Did you mention my Reagan smile?”

“The Reagan smile, the JFK wit, the Robert Redford hair....He still said you were simple-minded.”

“But I’m rich!”

“I told him. He said, ‘I’m rich too,’ and hung up.” They paced the room and then Lenny said thoughtfully, “I might be able to get Vin Diesel. He’s only popular among non-voters and non-thinkers and those with criminal records, but he’s got a powerful image.”

“Isn’t he the guy with XXX tattooed on his neck?” Lenny nodded. “That was his hit movie. He’s not pretty, he’s not smart and he has no commitments, but he’s a new action hero.”

“I don’t want tattoos in my campaign,” Simple snapped. “God knows what he’s got tattooed on his behind.”

Other suggestions included Steven Seagal (too fat), Jean-Claude Van Damme (too intellectual) and even Sarah Michelle Gellar, who plays Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but who was rejected due to Buffy’s obsession with kicking men in the groin area.

“I could probably get you Ed Begley Jr. if you campaigned for turning the Santa Monica Freeway into a bicycle path,” Lenny said. Simple gave the idea four thumbs down, doing it twice in order to achieve the effect.

In the end, they decided it was Schwarzenegger or nothing, and dropped their campaign to take on Davis and Simon. They were right about the Terminator. He proved in the election that he had political muscle by powering Proposition 49 to victory, and now Lenny is doing groundwork to convince him to run for president in 2004. So far, Scharzenegger is noncommittal. He’s waiting to see if Jackie Chan will go as his running mate.

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Al Martinez’s column appears Mondays and Fridays. He’s at al.martinez@latimes.com.