Saddams Everywhere

More good news from the Middle East: Germany’s public television network ZDF reports there’s not just one evil Saddam Hussein. There may be at least three evil look-alikes, plus, of course, the evil original. The look-alikes appear for security reasons or perhaps because Saddam hates missing Angels games. ZDF experts studied 450 recent photos of Saddam, identifying doubles or triples only by tiny details.

In fact, ZDF said, the real Saddam hasn’t been filmed since 1998. The other guys are genuine phonies--the Saddam shooting his gun straight up, the Saddam waving a bent arm at unseen crowds, the Saddam standing stiffly in windowless rooms giving pathetic handshakes to lackeys. No wonder he looks insincere; it’s the 12th take and he isn’t paid that much. Some Saddams were surgically adjusted, ZDF suggested, to more closely resemble the bad guy with the bushy Hitler-like mustache and several mistresses but no gray hair at age 65.

Duplicate Saddams could complicate Bush’s Iraq plans. Will we need four regime changes with matching assassination teams? If one Saddam gets nailed, will the others quickly shave and retire? Wouldn’t it be easier if the CIA hired its own Saddam? He could tell Larry King he’s joined Greenpeace and regrets almost everything--the wars, invasions, oilfield fires, gassings, executions, missiles, everything except the mistresses.

This is priceless material for lovers of conspiracy novels by Robert Ludlum, who reportedly died last year. And imagine doing scheduling for four identical dictators--the days off, the big hats and medals, the different salary withholdings, always having a Saddam handy for rally-waving without another appearing simultaneously across town at the tank races.

Do several Saddams augur other human replicas? Only one Gray Davis and Tony Blair, of course, but might there be two Gerhard Schroeders--one pro- and one anti-U.S.? We’ve seen several Al Gores speak, a couple of Tom Daschles and, judging by his pre-injury play this fall, at least two Kurt Warners. Are rumors true that Mayor James Hahn’s disappearances involve training as a Jackie Mason look-alike? Is the original 99-year-old Sen. Strom Thurmond retiring this year or is that Strom Thurmond Version 9.9? Will Osama bin Ladens pop up everywhere now, waving to crowds like all those circus clowns emerging one after the other from the tiny car?

Few recall that the mother of all celebrity look-alike businesses is Elvis Presley. He tired of fame, trained countless clones in Las Vegas and returned to Mississippi to drive trucks and sing in karaoke bars. We all knew there were two President George Bushes. But there’s only one likely explanation for how George W. Bush could appear at so many fall fund-raisers in two states on the very same day.