For Parents and Offspring, This Journey Is Unlike Any Other

“Are you going to cry, Mom?” my son Matt asked me on the plane ride to California.

I wasn’t sure. After all, we were on the family trip that we had spent more time preparing for than any other--18 1/2 years, to be exact. We were taking Matt, our oldest child, to college.

“At first it feels like any vacation,” says Mary Quigley, a New York University professor who just deposited her second son at the University of Notre Dame in Indiana. “Then it’s time to say goodbye, and you leave your child and walk away from that dorm.”

There are at least a quarter of a million more college freshmen than there were a decade ago, the National Center for Education Statistics reports. That adds up to more than 1.7 million kids who are entering colleges and universities this fall, loaded down with computers, refrigerators, TVs, DVD players, coffee makers and posters. Nervous parents trail behind, arms full of bags containing enough toothpaste, soap and peanut butter to last two years.

“Girls tend to pack their entire bedroom,” says Sue Tober, a New Hampshire resident who was forced to rent a minivan to take her daughter to Syracuse University. “Let them take what they want, and then just smile and take home the stuff that doesn’t fit.”

There’s no question that the trip to college will be frustrating and emotionally charged, but like other big parenting moments, it’s probably not going to be exactly the way we’ve been imagining it. Parents who expect one Kodak moment after another will invariably be disappointed--like the time the kids whined at Disney World, or it rained in Hawaii. That’s life.

“Don’t take it personally if your child wants to get rid of you,” says Jennifer Fugett Wyatt, who along with University of Washington psychologist Laura Kastner wrote the book “The Launching Years: Strategies for Parenting From Senior Year to College Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2002). “You’ve got to be ready to back off if they give you the signals they don’t want you there anymore.” (For more tips, visit www.launchingyears.com.)

Sure, we deserve better (at least a heartfelt “thanks, Mom and Dad”) after helping them navigate the college application process, calming their I’ll-never-get-accepted-anywhere jitters and, of course, agreeing to foot the bill for their higher education.

But remember that the kids are nervous too, even if they won’t admit it, says Karen Levin Coburn, assistant vice chancellor for students at Washington University in St. Louis and coauthor of “Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years” (Harper Perennial, 1997).

“You may find yourself arguing over the silliest things,” says Coburn, who has interviewed students all over the country about their freshman experiences. “Don’t expect a lot of quality time.”

Wyatt, who has sent two daughters to college, recommends that parents back off. “Parents need to remember they’re not in the control seat now,” she says.

To ease the transition, growing numbers of universities and colleges offer parent orientation programs, complete with parent handbooks and, in some cases, parent Web sites.

That might help, but the experience is still an emotional roller coaster that has memories tumbling out at every turn. It seemed like just last week that my preschooler pushed a Wisconsin innkeeper’s cat into the pond “to see if he could swim.” That little escapade got us kicked out of the hotel and sparked the beginning of this column. We laughed about that on our way to California and reminisced about other misadventures.

We made the shopping rounds--I learned that these dorm beds require extra-long sheets--and were able to squeeze in dinner with Southern California friends. We bickered, but there were also a few special moments that reminded me of why I’m so glad to be this confident young man’s mom.

And I convinced myself that with e-mail and cell phones, Matt won’t have to line up for a hall phone or write letters--the steps I had to take to stay in touch with the family when I was in college.

“I think we have a better relationship now than when she was home,” says Cincinnati graphic artist Lisa Fryxell, whose daughter just started her sophomore year of college.

Fryxell was perplexed that co-workers thought she’d be sad when Courtney, her only child, left for college. “Why should I cry? She was starting the adventure of her life!”

I didn’t cry either. I think Matt was disappointed.

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Taking the Kids appears twice a month. Eileen Ogintz welcomes questions and comments. Send e-mail to eogintz@aol.com.