So Many Countries, So Few Smart Bombs

Bruce Stockler's memoir, "I Sleep at Red Lights: A True Story of Life After Triplets," will be published in 2003 by St. Martin's Press.

Enough debating--let’s invade Iraq today. Invading Iraq will set the Iraqi people free, prevent future nuclear and biological terrorism and boost U.S. military morale. Most important, invading sovereign nations is fun. I would rather sit with my kids and watch U.S. troops march up and down Baghdad with color commentary from Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly than spend four hours watching the Giants mud-wrestle the Eagles.

But why stop at Iraq? So many invadeable countries are out there, waiting for us:

Maldives. This small, helpless Indian island paradise will make a wonderful stopover for stressed-out Army rangers. Someone stole my suitcase when I stayed there years ago, and not one person on the whole disagreeable island helped me, so the payback, no matter how regrettably delayed, will be sweet.

Australia. Beyond reproach in friendship and loyalty, the Aussies have turned in a disappointing performance, given the bounty of an entire continent to despoil. Vegemite, Men at Work, Olivia Newton-John--the sum total of two centuries of industrial and intellectual development? Sorry, mates.


Norway. The Norwegians are friendly, capable and self-sufficient--perfect cover for a sleeping enemy. The nation-state equivalent of the kid who keeps his head down and sits in the back row, Norway has ducked the global spotlight for 50 years. Note: Let’s stock up on ice for the future water shortage.

Saudi Arabia. Militarily, usurping this kingdom amounts to little more than a milk run on the convoy home from Baghdad. Politically, morally and philosophically, the value of the Saudis as friend or foe can be debated, but, walletarily, debate this: 49 cents a gallon!