The Head Shots Are Flying

INVITED TO: HoopLA celebrity basketball tournament to benefit the Starlight Children’s Foundation, at Crossroads School in Santa Monica.

NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT: “It’s awesome that this thing is in my name!!!” enthuses “Malcolm in the Middle” lead Frankie Muniz, who lends his moniker and a few free throws to this fund-raiser-in-a-gym for seriously ill children and those who care for them. After Jessica Simpson delivers the national anthem, the two celebrity teams face off, while paying guests and Starlight kids cheer from the stands. Muniz, in full promo mode for his feature turn in “Agent Cody Banks,” plays for each team (switching sides at halftime), sowing confusion among at least one teammate. “I played for the ‘Malcolm’ team. No, the ‘Cody’ team. I mean, we wore the white uniform. No, the black,” says Dule Hill of “The West Wing.” Respectable numbers are posted by “Blind Date” host Roger Lodge, who sinks a three-pointer; Bow Wow shows some fine moves; and even the littlest of the “Malcolm” litter, Erik Per Sullivan, has his dunk moment--though it comes riding the shoulders of his “Malcolm in the Middle” sitcom dad Bryan Cranston. But it’s Flex Alexander of “One on One” who really shines in this full-court match, high scorer in a game that includes L.A. Sparks guard Nikki Teasley and Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. Not that anyone made it easy. “I played college ball, and I played high school ball and I play right here in the NBA Entertainment League,” says Alexander, the UPN star. “But these guys, they were coming after me. Even the little ones, man.”

THE DOTTED LINE: While Jerry’s Famous Deli shovels out the pasta and chicken, the real gorging at this after-party is on autographs. Muniz, Simpson and Ashton Kutcher get heavy coverage as they squiggle their sigs to the delight of star-struck kids--while the buffet lines remain remarkably accessible. Also working the crowd are a few minivans worth of hopeful next-hot-kids, but they don’t catch as much clamor or dress nearly as fly as two-time “Stuart Little” star Jonathan Lipnicki. “Yeah, just giving a little to a good cause,” says the John Hancock-dispensing 12-year-old, from whose neck dangles a Bow Wow-designed bling-bling, a sparkly J.L. that periodically thumps against his basketball jersey. “I’m so happy that Frankie could be doing this.”

Celeb Quotient: **

More than a dribble, less than a bucket.

Wow Factor: **

Enough to wring squeals of excitement from the Clearasil crowd.

Grazing Level: *

Finish your penne and chicken first and then you can have cookies and candy.

Rating Scale:

1=ho-hum 4-yowza